Copied from my other place

Saturday my grandmother died. She went peacefully doing something she loved, eating.

At this point I am okay with it. She was suffering from osteoporosis and the early stages of dementia. I can honestly say that she is in a better place, and a better way now.

I know that tomorrow I will probably break down and it will hit me. I spent a lot of my earliest years with my grandparents. My grandfather taught me how to ride a bike, bought me my first bike. Losing him earlier this year was hard because I really respected him a lot and looked up to him, unfortunately my own rears of seeing him with Alzheimer's and the other health issues he was suffering caused me to neglect going to visit him in his last days. I really regretted that and went through a lot of pain because of it.

I dealt with it though, that's what I do.

My grandmother is where I got my passion for music. My earliest memories are filled with her playing the piano or violin. Even the memories where she is not in them, running through my grandparents house. She was always playing music, beautiful music. She was quite honestly one of the most talented pianists and violinists in this city, and I am proud to say that she was my grandmother.

It broke my heart when she could no longer play the violin. That was truly her passion. I think that the violin was capable of carrying her away into another realm where nothing else in the world mattered in the slightest.

A tear wells.

I went and visited her on her birthday last week. You could tell that this really touched her. I think she knew that she wasn't long for this world and my visit touched her deeply. That helps a lot I think.

---

Grandma, I will miss you. I hope you know how special you are to me, how much of my soul came from you. tell grandpa hi for me please.

An Excellent Segue...

So I think my iPod has aspirations to become a DJ...

I'm listening to The Dandy Warhols - The Dandy Warhols Love Almost Everyone and the next track is Modest Mouse - Sucker Bet and the segue was almost perfect! I mean I think they were even beat matched! I thought to myself "Gee, they went an odd direction with this song, but okay." The basic rhythm/melody of the tracks is even similar. It wasn't until I decided to see how much longer it was going when I looked and realized this was a separate track...

For joy!

Please don't go

I Call Out From Above
Am Falling From The Sky
In The Deepness Of My Soul
Love Falls From The Height
With Never Ending Self
You See Inside My Heart
But Light Is Hard To See Past
I Fail My Grand Design
Don't Think Of Me As Human
Think Of Me As Incomplete
I Long To See Within
Could I Call Inside Your Heart
Handle All Of The Hurt And Pain
Not Leaving You Behind
Trusting You With My Everything
You Are There But I Don't See It
Any Time We Are Around
More Of Me Dies And Thrives

The more you know.

The Smashing Pumpkins. I had honestly forgotten what musical geniuses they were. Unlike so much music from that time there was genuine musical talent and songwriting talent.

I am so into dark, brooding, depressed music lately. If it isn't hard pulsing electronic music beating you in the head then all I seem to be interested in is the stuff that makes grey skies welcome.

---

black, dark, sinister. Strike me down and watch my blood flow. pouring onto the floor, crimson pools filled with the stench of death. Oh sweet life, I taste you once again. Strike me down and take my soul. Oh sweet darkness, embrace me.

why.. a reprise

Stuck in my head.

Time spent, it was a good deal. I don't want or need it, but desire is alive. If I had the opportunity to do so, I couldn't imagine NOT.

I don't think I could, but that doesn't change the fact that I want to try. When does it come to that point where I will finally give up?

Should I give up or should I even bother?

Please Padron the ego trip.

I just had to share
this with everyone.

Can't win for losing...

So.

A friend on preludeonline.com is selling his amplifier and I pick it up at a really nice deal. It's an older model, but I really like this particular model. Another friend in RL has a 3x10 bandpass box that he has nothing to push it with, so he let's me put it in my Tib.

Tuesday I get the amp and notice that the box is pretty beat up (thanks a lot UPS) but everything looks good. I go home and spend 3 hours in the cold running the wiring back to the hatch and end up screwing up my left rear 6x9 somehow that I have yet to determine. I get everything hooked up. I completely rewire the 3 dual voice coil subs so that I am pulling a 2.67 ohm load. I know that this is going to really be hard on the amp which is only rated for 4 ohms bridged (400 watts) But since I didn't pay much for it at all, I am not worried.

I get everything wired up and hooked up and then I fire the system up and hear nothing from the subs. I open the box back up and try connecting only one voicecoil to test and it still makes no noise. After some fiddling I discover a short in the amp under the power connection. If I nudge the power block just right I can get it to power on and work, but still nothing coming out of the sub.

Last night I disconnect the signal coming form the head unit and hook my iPod directly into the amp and test again, still nothing, so I open the box yet again and begin testing the other voicecoils.....

each sub had only one working voicecoil! I rotate the center sub so that the working coil connections are all at the bottom and I wire it up parallel. This makes the load now 1.33 ohms, I stop and consider running one sub in series to bring it back to a 4 ohm load, but decide that I am not out much at all if thing's go really south... screw it!

I hook it all up and it works! I have to rig it a bit to keep the power from shorting, but success nonetheless!

I hot the road out of respect for my neighbors and get about 2 or 3 miles from home. I'm sitting at a light at Kellog and Rock, headed east. At this point I am listening to "I'm The Supervisor" by Infected Mushroom and it comes to a particularly hard portion of rapid bass beats. As my car vibrates violently I am thinking "holy crap that amp must be getting hammered!" I notice that my headlamps are dimming with the beat, which surprised me for all the power I was pulling, but I suspect at this point the amp was severely overloaded and probably making close to 800 or so watts.

The light turns green and I take off, about half way through the intersection the bass just cuts out. I'm thinking that I probably overheated the amp and it shut off under thermal protection, that or it just shook lose the nice little rig I had going to keep the power flowing.

I pull into the Walmart parking lot and open the hatch and take a look, sure enough the power had just shorted. I get it nudged just so and start to leave, but it cuts out again :(

Now I think I am going to have to de-solder the power connector block and re-solder it to fix that problem. Hopefully that will be sufficient, but I was hoping to have everything working properly before the drive to KC Sunday.

bah.. I also have to get the left rear speaker working as well, it just sounds horrible without it. The sound stage is all screwed up and skewed to the right :(

letting go...

It's funny. Something I have had a hard time letting go of for a very long time, has suddenly just been let go I think.

It feels pretty odd actually. I never imagined that I would just let it go, but I think I have. I know that it could change. my mind is just playing tricks on me or something... I don't know. unless something amazing happens, I don't think it will come back.

It makes me kind of sad really. Part of me WANTED that obsession. Now I don't know what to do about it. so many people know this as a large part of who I am, how can I just drop it?

Maybe I am just coming to my senses and realizing that there is no point in it anyways.



So where do I go from here?

IT's HUGE!!

So my friend Lee and I have been hanging out playing pool almost every Thursday evening. Well, this week he brings his sub box with him because he is thinking about possibly parting ways with it. Since i was fortunate enough to get a KILLER deal on an Xtant amp from a friend on preludeonline.com I am in need of something to push with it.

So lee brings this box and I open his truck and take one look and the thing is friggin MASSIVE. It seems much larger than a 3x10 box SHOULD be, even for a bandpass box.

Well, these three 10s are all dual voice coil and apparently this box is supposed to be able to handle 1500 watts (I am pretty sure that is peak, and not RMS) and they have the drives/coils wired up to maintain a 4 ohm load (as far as I can tell) so if I am going to use it I will have to rewire for a 2 ohm load (otherwise this amp will only push 200 watts, and I think that would be a bit anemic)

But I am pretty excited to get it hooked up because I already have pretty decent low end coming from the stock 6x9s in the back and 6 1/2s in the doors. I am pretty sure I won't want this box though because I am looking for something tighter than a bandpass box can provide. That's why I am looking for 10s to begin with. If all I wanted was deep, hard, loud lows then I would get some 12s or 15s.

At any rate, this box almost entirely fills my hatch up. I can barely fit my backpack in and I have no place for my tripod to rest comfortably either... but DANG it looks good back there with the mirror and chromed baskets! woot.

creative juice

So, I finally hopped on the bandwagon and partook of requiem for a dream. I remember when Justin told me about it back in 2000, I wanted to see it then and just never did. Well, the other night I was at walmart and they had requiem for a dream and π bundled together for only $15 so I had to.

Well, yet again a film has proven to be an inspiration, this time the specific storyline provoked a deeper sense of inspiration in me for a storyline, rather than just a general inspiration to write something.

So a few minutes ago I messaged hunz and asked for permission to use some of his older music. His stuff has always evoked mental pictures and I can almost always imagine a basic storyline coming out of it. I believe that with the inspiration I gained watching <span style="font-weight:bold;">Requiem for a dream and from hunz's music will make a big difference.

Now you all just need to get together for my birthday and get me a RED ONE! If needed I can give you the configuration I wanted. It's a very very reasonable 44 thousand

so much for...

...everything. It amazes me how quickly things can change. Introspect turns to cynicism, self control turns to self loathing.

I must stand, despite the want to lie down and give up. But why do I want to give up?


I've found my musical taste changing lately. It is hard to describe. It's not just because Em has been introducing so much good music to me. I am sure that plays a part for sure, but I am starting to really not care what song is playing. I have my favorites and the songs I really enjoy just hearing, but I have been shuffling for a couple days now and I am currently on track 279 out of 9570 (I haven't added the 5 or 6 CDs I just ripped to my library yet)The Killing Moon by Echo & The Bunnymen off of the Donnie Darko soundtrack.

Now, a couple years ago I would have probably not really been interested in this particular track because I have always been less of a fan of the 80s music. Lately though I have found myself really into it. I suppose everything comes full circle though. One of my favorite new bands that I just discovered is the Polysics, a japanese new wave/punk group. Yeah, sounds like an interesting combination eh? I dig them and I am already going to see them live. I'm jazzed.

A sad thing, really...

So i get this voice mail today informing me that my landlord, who is already kicking me to the curb after living in this apartment for like darn near 4 years, is breaking into my place and throwing everything out!

For those not in the know, I JUST got my new place yesterday, literally. Now if you scroll down and look at the post where I announce that I am getting kicked to the curb, you will realize that it has not been 30 days since I got my notice. Furthermore, Kansas state law prohibits a landlord from entering a property without notifying the tenant first and setting up an acceptable time. Beyond this, in order to a landlord in the state of Kansas to "toss yer shit out" they have to follow proper eviction protocols.

The ONLY legal way to evict a tenant in the state of Kansas is to first, file an eviction with the court, then, after the set waiting period, you must appear in court, at which time the tenant has so many days to get their stuff out before the landlord comes back with the sheriff. It is ONLY at this point that the landlord can come in and do something with your belongings.

Fortunately I think he was merely trying to blow smoke up my skirt, because when I FINALLY got off the phone tonight at darn near 8 o'clock, and got back to the apartment, I found absolutely nothing out of place. So now, I have almost everything I own packed into my car, my tiny little sport compact coupe Tiburon...

Other than my furniture, I think I have just about everything. There are some computers over there still, servers and my macs, I did leave my paintball marker there because I just couldn't fit it in safely. Other than that, I should be able to get everything that is left in one truck load...

It feels good to have not much I think. For so long my life was burdened down by owning so much crap! I remember when we moved to PA, we had so much stuff that it barely fit int he u-haul, moving back we had so much crap that we filled a third of a semi truck, and then a minivan... AND we left stuff there!!! Now, here I am, sitting in a small car, I can still see out the back even, and this represents the majority of my non-furniture possessions.

---

Doing the garden, digging the weeds
Who could ask for more?

awesome-ness!!

So apparently I have been in the dark or under a freakin rock or something.... I was totally caught unaware when Em informed me about the movie Across The Universe, which is a musical set to nothing but music from The Beatles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111one one


Yes, that does really excite me that much. And on top of it all, it looks like the storyline is going to be a really good one to boot. I think I could be just fine with a worthless storyline, so long as there is a sh*t ton of music from The Beatles.

I also read someplace while I was searching for information about the movie, that they tried to use some of the more obscure stuff from The Beatles. This means that the entire movie is going to be a wonderful trip through music that isn't just what everyone knows! I will get to exercise my brain, calling the album and track name on these more obscure songs... I think this will be an amazingly awesome experience.

---

All my little plans and schemes, lost like some forgotten dreams.

Something clicked tonight.

I think I have finally found that sweet spot for my clutch. All evening I have been shifting beautifully and it is very enjoyable.

I do however desire more power. I think that part of the problems I have with actually accelerating at a decent speed (as opposed to taking off like a rocket) is that my engine lacks enough low end torque to ease into the clutch without being really precise. There seems to be a very tight sweet spot where the clutch engages and the throttle is just enough that you take off smoothly, but it is quite a quick take off, not that I mind, I just would like to avoid a cop pulling me over for it.

At any rate, there is a guy who builds a bolt on super charger kit for the V6 Tib. If I am ever in a position financially where I can afford one,i think I am going to go for it. They are showing that the straight kit, no other mods is putting around 200 horses on the ground, and add to that Intake, Header and a decent Exhaust, and you are looking at 250 WHP. I think that would be plenty sufficient for me. Just enough power to be fast, but not so much that I end up killing myself or going to jail :)

Of course, after that I would want the CF hood, a small drop and high performance suspension, maybe some rims with wider rubber.

Of course at some point along the line I have to grab a couple 10 inch subs and and amp, as well as some decent coaxes for the rear and a nice high quality component set for the front...

ahh dreams. Maybe if I win the lotto eh?

---

I never said WHY I felt bad... it wasn't for the obvious reasons... It's actually pretty convoluted.

oh hellz yes!

Nissan announced the New GT-R site today. If any Japanese car was more badass than the Nissan GT-R, then the world would probably collapse under the sheer weight of awesome-ness!

Seriously!

Now, I have my reservations about the current G35 based GT-R, since they moved away from the RB series straight six engine that was, quite simply, legendary. The new GT-R will have a turbo charged 3.8 liter V6, based on the 3.5 liter V6 in the 350Z and G35.

The VG35 has proven to be a very good engine, with a lot of potential, I just have a soft spot for the RB series and the concept of a straight 6. I am sure this will be every bit an enormously awesome car, I just have to reserve judgment until we see the pudding.

Style-wise, i have always preferred the R34 skyline over the G35. between the G35 and the 350Z, I prefer the 350, so the looks are probably the only location where I was worried. Based on the prototype however, I think they have managed to make the G35 a bit sexier and meaner looking to satisfy me.

Now, if only I had the 70k that it will street for here in the US...

So, not such a great idea as once was thought...

Just to let you know, making up for the lameness of spending a 21st birthday watching the season primer of Heroes by creating a drinking game where you drink every time someone int he show says the words "hero" (or "Hiro"), "Special", or "Destiny"....??


Not such a hot idea....



Kevin called in today with a "head cold".... Jen was just shaking her head because she KNOWS... lol

film making...

... In case you don't remember, or never saw that post... I would love to make a film. Get in to the whole 'film making' deal.

Well, I was having trouble getting my butt in gear writing an actual movie script. I am a bit put off by the thought of just playing around, and I have this internal desire to do something amazing. So I was at a bit of a stalled state.

Well, I was recently introduced to the Bad Hellogoodbye (thank you very much Em) and fell in love with the song Here (In Your Arms). Yes, I know, where have I been? The answer is easy, under a rock somewhere... at least musically speaking that is.

I don't know if you have seen the music video for this song, but it is not exactly a great one. Now, admittedly, had my first experience with this song have been viewing the video, I would likely not have much problem with it. It is a good video in it;s concept and execution, however, having listened to that specific track probably close to 100 times over the course of the three days I owned the CD before viewing said video, I had already constructed a music video of my own in my head... when this failed to match reality, I was let down, so to speak.

So I set out to put my idea on paper, and three pages of pencil scratchings later, I then brought all of that into the computer and I now have a completed script! My first ever, and the only person who has read it loves it. My next step is to begin storyboarding it and then placing the storyboards into a video in time with the music so that it is easier to visualize.

Heidi thinks that we should make it ourselves and youtube it... I have to say that I am pretty strongly considering it. All we need at this point is the equipment and people to play the band members, and a girl... oh yeah, and an immensely large field of flowers...

Looking for group...

... Call me, I want to do something tonight, anything. At this point I think I would consider cow tipping or something.

Otherwise I will be sitting at home in the dark, alone. I don't want that.

Show your interest AND your intellect!!

So last night I was perusing groups on facebook and came across a couple that were awesomely named. This spawned a google search for geek pick up lines.

Here for your pleasure are my findings, weeded down to the ones that aren't lame... er... well you understand I am sure

---

1. I have so much love to give you'll have to pipe it through more.
   
2. I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up.
   
3. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
   
4. I'd switch to emacs for you.
   
5. You put the SPARC in my workstation.
   
6. You had me at "Hello World."
   
7. Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?
   
8. By looking at you I can tell you're 36-25-36, which by the way are all perfect squares.
   
9. What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Stargate marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
   
10. What's a nice girl like you doing in a wretched hive of scum and villany like this?
    
11. If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
    
12. Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.
    
13. I'm the droid you're looking for.
    
14. There's a gaming convention this weekend. I'm staff, I can get you in for free.
    
15. My Kd for you is sub-nanomolar.
    
16. Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me?
    
17. My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.
    
18. Wanna see the programs in my HP-48 calculator?
    
19. Usually one needs a cooling fan for such a hot processor.
    
20. Your eyes are like limpid pools of primeval ooze — and I'm the aeomeba who longs to swim in their depths.
    

This last one requires you to probably have it written down on a car of some type and you actually read it out. Or at least in MY opinion, it would be better that way

• Tell me of this thing you humans call *dramatic pause* love.
  

It is also very important that you actually say out loud *dramatic pause* and then point out that you realized you aren't supposed to actually SAY "dramatic pause" but merely pause dramatically...

It really is much more geeky if you do it that way :)

I for one...

... welcome my new google cellular overlord!!!


Seriously, I don't care about specs, if this has ANYTHING to compete with the iPhone i am sold. bundled voip software!!

oh google, I am so in love with you.

Sometimes

Sometimes something happens and it can just make you really happy in life. You end up walking around with this huge grin on your face for a time and people look at you funny, wondering what is wrong with you. Suddenly you find that you are more confident and things seem to just be okay.

Thank you happiness for visiting me and bringing me such a wonderful release from the stresses of my current world. Thank you for shining a ray of hope down on me.

---

Vicki and I are training today and tomorrow. We are training on Trial Balance functionality as well as export to tax and M3... I am not quite sure why I was selected for this training. Not to say that I am not knowledgeable about these aspects of the program, honestly, and trying not to toot my own horn on this one, I am darn smart when it comes to our software. There is almost no aspect of the software I am not knowledgeable about.

However, out of all the aspects of our program, the two areas that I am the least strong in are Tax and M3. I suppose I should consider this an opportunity to grow my knowledge.

After all, why try and give up this happiness that I have!

RIP Colin McRae 8/5/1968 ~ 9/15/2007

Colin McRae, legendary rally driver, died Saturday in a helicopter crash. With him were his 5 year old son, an unidentified adult and an unidentified child. Colin's wife and daughter were not on board.

This is a sad day for the world of Rally Racing. Colin was one of the most influential drivers in the history of Rally Racing. He will be missed greatly.

Read more:
link
link
link

holy crap!!

so apparently when you decide to listen to nothing but one artist for a few days you can really rack up the plays. My top artist for last week was Regina Spektor with 360 plays. I average around 120 tracks per day so that is literally 3 days of nothing but Regina... no wonder my friends were starting to get annoyed with me. (When they rode with me I forced them to listen)

Not that I minded, I don't think that there is anything I DON'T like about her music. Heck at one point I put down the iPod and was watching her videos on youtube.

---

So for about 4 months I have been eagerly awaiting the release of Jam Sessions on the DS. Tonight I went to walmart with my boys to kill some time before taking them home to their mother. I also had to purchase some new shoes as Simon, my youngest, yes the one who dumped the water on my bed, dumped his brothers root beer in my shoe...

Well, after I picked up the shoes I headed through electronics because what is a trip to any store with an electronics selection if you DON'T go through them in at least a rudimentary way. I look up as we pass by the DS games like I always do, scanning for Jam Sessions... except that this time it was sitting there, pristine in it's beauty!

I had told myself that Jam Sessions would be the next title I owned for my DS... and now I have fulfilled that!! WOO So look for some music coming... it will p[rob ably be really bad, not very good type really bad I mean. But you will survive I am sure :)

---

It's funny that I was thinking the exact same thing just yesterday....

Please don't

I am trying really hard at this point not to read to much into things. In the past I have run into problems when I did that. I think that is sound advice maybe?

It seems to me as if we sometimes become so wrapped up in our own "mystery" that we forget how to communicate in a straight forward manner. I have always tried to be a person who says what they mean and mean what they say. I think this is part of why I have a hard time taking a hint sometimes.

So at the same time I am working on being able to "take a hint" without reading too much into things. This seems reasonable to me, even if it is at some psychotic level. It is when we thrive to better ourselves and stop focusing on what those around us have done to us that we can really grow. I am trying to grow.

---

I really don't want that, you just don't understand, this is something of mine, and I can't let you take that from me. Let me have this and let me move on.

where are you? I wanted to tell you goodnight.

So, I get to find someplace to sleep... Simon, my youngest dumped a bottle of water out on my bed... oh yeah, completely full.




I am SOO jazzed about going to see Regina in November. Between now and then I have taken the task upon myself of memorizing all of her stuff. I found the site for the venue where it will be and the concert hall is absolutely gorgeous! I really can't wait.

from the east side, to the west side...

So I can't decide whether I want to look for a place on the east side, where my job and a vast majority of my friends are... or on the west side, where I like it.

I seriously like the west side much better. I like new market square. I drive there to go to that walmart, that target, that everything!

But living on the west side would mean that I have to drive longer to work every day, as opposed to hopping out of bed 15 minutes before I need to be here. I would also never have my friends over to see the place because they all have to drive across town.

blerg...

ID3 tags....

Can you people start tagging you music properly for christ sakes!!!!!

I just spent 20 minutes tagging my radiohead collection en masse because someone thought to themselves, gee, i will just friggin neglect to use the functionality that is BUILT INTO every single CD ripping software that has been written int he last 5 years!!!!!

Now I get to synch several GB of data to my iPod because it updated the tags so that I can properly report my listening habits to my last.fm

too bad I have several dozen more artists to tag still... gar

Vegas Car Chasers

is an amazingly good album!!


that is all.

nevermind

Apparently I forgot that we are gaming tonight... So I don't need any friends...


unless you're hot ;)


I'll ditch these losers in a heartbeat!!

I need to do something!!!

Tonight. I need to do something tonight!

If I don't find something to do i will end up sitting at home doing nothing... and that will make feel like leaving, and then I will end up spending a lot of gas driving around....

If you have my cell number and are available to do something tonight, call me... ANYONE.. I just need to get out.

Yes, even you. I don't care, I need to do something.

A matter of perspective...

It is amazing how much things can change when your perspective changes.

I look at my life and I think about the bad things happening in it and feel pretty bad. In perspective, I have a really good life. Now, I am not talking about the poor starving children in whatever 3rd world place. Not that I have no compassion for them, it's just not my point right now.

I have a couple co-workers who are going through some stuff right now that makes my troubles seem insignificant. Well, not really INSIGNIFICANT, so much as minor.

One has been battling to get caught up on rent after her father died and was faced with an ultimatum today to pay rent in 3 days or be evicted from the home she has known for 16 years...

I tossed her $100 since I had cash that I had taken out to pay rent with. It made her cry... I told her "This is what friends are for, it's just money."

Another co-worker found out that his wife has cheated on him while she was out of town on some type of reserve training thing. She also told him that if she had to to do over again she would. When he told me this it crushed me. I feel so bad for him because you can see it on his face that this has just devastated him.

I am not sure what I can do for him. That really feels worse because I have no clue how I can help him. I know WHY I am this way... it is because I am insensitive... though asking Kevin of Keith they will tell you that is not true... but I really think that when my motherboard was being manufactured, they didn't even bother installing a socket for an empathy chip... empathy really does confuse me... I try to emulate it, but I almost always fail.

In retrospect, I feel kind of selfish for feeling like things were not going well for me over the last few weeks / months... If only I could help everyone, maybe then I would feel okay feeling like I am having a hard time...

yeah, that sounded as ridiculous typing it as it probably sounds reading it.

light feelings...

Well, one of the girls in my department has a scale in her cube and on a whim I decided to weigh myself...

I've lost 30 lbs! That surprised me honestly because I don't feel like I have lost any weight. It was a nice thing though to hop on a scale that had been deemed to be a bit on the heavy side, and find that I am 30 lbs lighter than the last time I weighed in.

yay for me.

Sushi does NOT have mayonnaise in the ingredient list...

blegh.. I don't understand why people enjoy sushi that has mayonnaise in it. Of course, then again I DO prefer just straight teka maki over anything fancy any day, or a simple piece of nigiri! YUM... There is something really wonderful about a plate of nigiri. It is art that you can eat, a blend of colors and textures.

I am sitting here in my car at BK eating sushi. One of the employees came out with trash and looked at me funny when they saw the tray of sushi and the chopsticks.

the story thus far...

Many years ago I began a journey. In my life I have been quite a lot of things. I have worked fast food, retail, sales, labor, construction, etc... I have even been a drug dealer.

that last profession is what is on my mind right now. No, not really the fact that I was a drug dealer, but the ramifications of that. At one point, prior to being an actual dealer, I worked at Taco Tico as a shift manager. This was the Taco Tico at 13th and Tyler across from North West High. We had this girl start working there who was a student at NW, she was also either a cheer leader or pom (whatever they are called... something bears or something like that... give me a break that was seriously over a decade ago)

Anyways, she started working at Taco Tico and, naturally, I was instantly crazy about her because she had this really awesome personality and, of course, she was hot... Yes, I realize I was 19 at the time, which made her off limits... but hey, I was not exactly the type of person who cared at that point. She knew this I think, but nothing ever developed from there.

I would hook her up with stuff (read alcohol and drugs) she wanted and life was good.

One day after homecoming she and some of her friends came in and they were considerably plowed, she ends up hitting her head on the concrete outside when she fell and I distinctly remember holding her trying to keep her awake. I also remember her demanding that I be the one holding her head and hair as she puked nasty booze puke in the ladies room.

We definitely had an interesting relationship.

Eventually Anarchy at Taco Tico found me fired. life moved on and I forgot about this girl. One day after I had promoted myself from user to dealer I ran into her and mentioned that I could hook her up with some good acid and to drop by some time.

She did.

Again I lost track of her and life moved on. I found myself at the end of a steak knife, later lying in a pool of my own blood.

It was at that point that I gave everything to God. That was the turning point for me, in a kitchen, in November 1996 I cried out to Jesus to save me... and He did, quite literally.

Eventually I was running sound for the single group at church and life was good, i was happy, I had friends who loved me and we had a lot of good times. I can remember terrorizing the Village In at 13th and West until all hours of the night, literally getting kicked out.

Then one day there was this woman who joined the singles group. At first she seemed nice enough. Eventually she became quite annoying, she always felt the need to address the group for long dissertations and this drove pretty much everyone up the wall.

It is amazing how God works, really.

One night, she was talking, and like usual I was sitting back int eh sound booth pretty much ignoring. Then my ears perked up and I found myself listening to what she had to say for some reason. Shortly after that she opened up and revealed her biggest sadness.

She had a daughter who was deeply in bad. She was strung out, had been on everything you could name, and had tried to kill herself multiple times. It was truly a sad story about a girl who went way down the wrong road in life.

Then she said the name.

That name rang through my ears, it was a name I had not heard of or thought of in at least a year and a half. Before that it had been at least that long.

Her daughter was this girl I knew. Instantly I was deeply remorseful. I knew that her daughter looked up to me as a brother. I knew that my life had lent to her story, in at least a small way. Suddenly I realized that though I had never physically killed anyone, I was indeed guilty of destroying a life.

I spoke to great length with her mother. I learned that she did indeed look up to me and had actually mentioned me to her mother. This did not really help much, but I knew that it was helping her mother. I expressed my sincerest apologies to her as I felt like I was responsible for her loss.

This was truly the most regret I had ever felt in my life.

She forgave me.

Eventually we went our separate ways and I had somewhat a bit of closure on the entire issue. I know that her mother had found a lot of peace about the issue as well. She forgave me. I was finally able to forgive myself.

Time moved on and once again, life was good.

I found out some years later that that girl found her way out. She was clean and happy. I discovered that despite the fact that her mom had forgiven me and I had forgiven myself, I still held some degree of guilt for that. I remember referring to her as "the life I ruined" I didn't even realize that in that, semi-joking manner, I was showing that I had not truly forgiven myself for it. Talking to her shortly changed that.

I saw that her life was not ruined. It had been set back for a while, but, amazingly, God had rebuilt her life from the shambles that I helped create. I can't help but wonder if God used that meeting between her mother and I to work in that girls life. I can;t help but think that maybe, had I not been open to going to that woman and admitting to her that the horrible pain she felt was somehow my fault... maybe God would not have had an opening in her life to change her.

I will never know, not until I know all things of course... but for now I know that I didn't ruin her life. I know that as a person I have made mistakes and that no matter what, amazing things can happen.

Head west!

Out of nowhere tonight, I get a phone call from a number that I don't recognize and lo and behold, it is Vanessa West calling me! Jack West was probably the best friend I have ever had as a Christian. Not only was he an amazing friend, he was an amazingly spiritual person.

Well, long story short, Jack fell away from God and ended up going back to the life he had left behind, which to be honest, makes most of us look like friggin saints. At any rate, I have not seen Jack in quite some time. The last time I saw him was at church after he had come back to God. Quite recently so.

I still remember the first time I saw him, sitting there in the chair at Tuck's place (well, it was actually Pastor Rob's place, but Tuck was staying there. Jack had been there for a day or two, he had literally just come in off the streets. He had lost a lot of weight and was basically skin and bones. He had been experiencing a very hard life out there.

The day that I heard Jack was back I cried... He really is one of the most important people in my life as far as my walk with God goes. He mentored me in so much and I consider not many above him in his understanding of Gods word. Even now, when I think about him falling and coming back to God, tears well up in me.

Well, Vanessa is his daughter and she was trying to get a hold of some of her dad's CDs that he recorded while giving messages. He was an Itinerate Evangelist, I was his sound guy. He had recorded several of his messages on CD and I had some hanging around in my basement. So I grab them and head over to her place and we chatted for a bit. Then as we are talking about her dad she asked me if I wanted his address. See jack is serving time for some of the things he had done while he was away, and now he is taking his responsibilities.

Then as she gave me the sheet of paper with his address on it she said to me that it would really mean a lot to him if I wrote him.

I am so glad that I have this opportunity. Jack means a lot to me, and I miss him tremendously!

A word about harry potter...

Now, I have not read any of the Potter books. I have only seen portions of the movies. I don't have any clue about many of the specific references made in this article about parts of the book. In fact some of the points make no sense at all because they reference objects that I have not read about. However, I DO understand the basic point of this article and I find it entirely interesting that a self proclaimed atheist knows more about how grace works than most Christians.

Again, I am not a "Calvinist" and I do not personally subscribe to the faith that we don't have a choice, but I think that the author of this article would have no problem understanding the stance on grace that I take.

I enjoy it when someone of a diametrically opposed viewpoint to mine is capable of laying out an intelligent point. I am even more impressed when they can grasp the concepts of my beliefs.

Now a word to those who like Harry Potter... This article is pretty critical of the books and Rowling's writing in general.

I get it...

don't worry... I get the picture...

I touched it!

Note: The names below have been changed to protect the innocent!

---

One of our Release leads apparently picked up an iPhone recently. I get this IM from MR X, one of our cross over seasonals who bounces back and forth between support and testing. He tells me that he was amazed at how thin the iPhone was. This is exactly how our conversation went...

(11:07:40 AM) MR X:
i just held an iPhone... :P
(11:08:44 AM) Me (MSN):
when?
(11:08:46 AM) Me (MSN):
where?
(11:08:47 AM) Me (MSN):
here?
(11:08:49 AM) Me (MSN):
someone has one?
(11:08:51 AM) Me (MSN):
who?
(11:08:52 AM) Me (MSN):
me
(11:08:53 AM) Me (MSN):
me
(11:08:54 AM) Me (MSN):
me
(11:08:55 AM) Me (MSN):
I want
(11:09:10 AM) MR X:
MS iPhone lol
(11:09:14 AM) Me (MSN):
freakin A
(11:09:18 AM) Me (MSN):
I am SO hers
(11:09:24 AM) Me (MSN):
she can have me if I can use that
(11:09:43 AM) MR X:
she is single... lol
(11:10:50 AM) Me (MSN):
I REALLY WANT AN IPHONE!!!

Now, before anyone decides to go out shopping for my birthday that is coming up in a couple months, I really CAN'T get an iPhone yet. I promised myself that I was going to wait for the 3rd gen, assuming they have a model then that can hold my entire collection. I have over 40 GB of music right now, so even an 8 Gig iPhone is completely useless to me as an mp3 player.

I did go over and oogle it though. It is thin, sleek, and oh so smexy! The first thing I did was open up the notepad application and typed out "Hello my name is Jesse" Except that with my fat thumbs I was missing everywhere. Amazingly enough, the finished sentence was perfect... it even knew my friggin NAME!!!

Here am I...

I am sitting here waiting. I am waiting for you.

Please, please come soon, I desperately need you here with me.

my heart.

I don't know who I am. Some days I think that I am a loner, that guy who could spend the rest of his life alone and never developing anything like a relationship with another human being.

Some days I actually could do that. I could just pack it up, hop in my car and drive to where no one knows me and start over. But then I come to my senses and realize that I could never accomplish that because no matter where I am, I talk to people, when I talk to people I make friends, when I make friends I begin to desire deeper relationships, and when that happens I feel as though I should just pack up and move on to where no one knows me.

It is a vicious cycle that I walk. I have never gone so far as to just pack it up and leave. I have left parts of my life behind as I moved on to new things. It is much the same. As I look back I realize how much treasure I have left behind me in my old friends. Somewhere deep inside of me I have this pain of loss. I am usually able to repress it, to ignore it, to push it away so that I don't have to deal with it. Dealing with it would be far to painful to deal with.

Right now, I am at a point in my life where I think I have to pull this stuff out and deal with it NOW, before I end up ruining the rest of my life. I am realizing that I am a deeply emotional person, despite everything I have worked toward in my life. I am past that chaotic stage where I lost control and started acting like an idiot. Right now, right here, I am just plain frightened to death of the future and what it holds for me.

Looking back I can see the mistakes I have made and the events leading up to them are starting to fall into place as if I am watching a giant jigsaw puzzle of my life being assembled. I am beginning to see why I thought that I was incomplete without a wife, I am starting to put together the reason that, despite all the warning signs, I decided to do what I THOUGHT was the best course, rather than listening to God.

We are so conditioned to think that without another person we are only half of a whole. We are somehow incomplete unless we find our "soul mate". I was so driven by that that I never realized how special I was as a person. I never realized that I am not completed by another person, but I am already complete in Christ.

Now that it is so many years later and I am on the precipice of divorce I have found myself examining my life thus far, looking for where I went wrong. Suddenly I found myself re-experiencing those same feelings. Feeling as though I was incomplete without a female counterpart. It has only been in the last few days that I realized that it is okay if I am alone. I am a wonderful being all by myself. Now, realizing that, knowing it, and feeling it are three completely different things.

I know that deep within myself I desire to have someone. I believe that this is an innate thing that is placed within people. A desire to be with another human being. It is not that we need to be completed by another person, but we need to extend beyond our singularity and expand who we are to include another being.

I think that this is why so many relationships fail. We are yearning for another person, looking for that person who completes us, meanwhile we are offering up only part of a person. We have gotten to where we think that two people make a whole, that is wrong. Two people make two people. How can we even begin to search for another human to be with when we don't even know who we are yet? how can we ever expect anything besides failure if all we have to offer is an incomplete person who thinks that their resolution lies in the other? This is impossible.

I posted the lyrics to Iris by the goo goo dolls on my xanga. I have had it on repeat since then. I keep listening to it over and over trying to capture what it holds. It's not like I am dreaming about finding that person that the song is about. No, I am beyond that at this point. What I do want, however, is to feel what the songs implies. I want to be at that point where I am willing to just give up everything to be with someone... But at the same time, that thought in itself scares the hell out of me.

That is the baggage I carry with me I suppose. It's not like I am in the market for a relationship. I'm not out looking for someone. Heck, someone here at work suggested that I start dating, nothing serious, just messing around and having some fun. That doesn't even sound like an option to me. I don't think that I want to ever be "in the market".

I think that if I am to ever find anyone to be with then it will have to be something natural. I don't want to go looking for it. Right now I am just Jesse, a guy. I don't want to be half of a couple, even if that does mean being the 3rd wheel, or the 5th wheel, or even... gasp, the 7th wheel like has happened already.

I think I am finally okay with being single, at least, in thought. Whether my heart allows me to give up that yearning to "be with someone" has yet to be seen. I suppose it is much like breaking a habit, I have spent every day of my life with someone, either with my family or with my roommates, or with my wife. It will just take some adjusting to be with no one right now.

Please, please let me find happiness in this world without becoming consumed by my wants. Please allow me to see the real beauty of who I am as a person rather than seeing only my shortcomings as a single. Let me happily be just Jesse.





And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Ahh the wonders of wii sports golf...

Never underestimate the power of a mindless game where you wing your body like a toolbox. I have to say that ever time we play with Keith's wii it is an awesome time. I doubt I will ever own a wii, but Keith having one seems to be enough!

I think I have it.

I think that I discovered my main character... I am going to start writing. I would think that this would excite me, but oddly enough, this seems more an exercise in self realization than anything else, and I have always viewed that as something I don't wish to delve into.

At the same time, I feel compelled to push forward.

An update

Well, last night, I was perusing google maps of Oklahoma city, I was about ready to just head home and that guy shows back up asking if I can give him a ride somewhere.

Now, I would never recommend just giving some guy a ride at 4:30 in the morning, in a town you are unfamiliar with. I am, however, still alive. It was an interesting experience. I had some apprehension about it at first, and in fact, when I saw the neighborhood that I was taking him to, and he asked me to wait for a minute, there was some concern that he was trying to make some money by selling my belongings to some thugs... But, like I said, I am still alive.

In all honesty, my biggest concern was that he would stink up my car, but that was pretty minor. He did, by the way. He reeked of stale cigarettes and month old BO. By the time I got back to Wichita, though, that had worn off... I would say that it was worth it because I got to help someone in need. Even if it was just preventing him from having to walk 4 miles.

I spend my days helping people, it just seemed natural to help this man, and hopefully, something good will come of it.

---

It all seems so trivial looking back. Here I am, driving my car, I can just afford to drop the tank of gas that it took to get down there and back. I'm all depressed about my life and my troubles. Then I meet this guy.

He is literally living on the streets bumming money to get food and a shower. I am not naive, I know that at least to some degree that man is responsible for his fate. We all make our choices and we all have to live with them. At this point though, he is in a much worse way than I have ever been, yet, that has not prevented me from feeling sorry for myself over the insignificant things that trouble me.

Something changed last night I think. Things still trouble me, but for some reason, I just don't care as much anymore.

---

I really am done, you don't need to worry anymore. Whatever happens, happens and I will no longer try to make things happen. I will no longer push my will on my emotional state, I will accept those things that affect my life.

I am sorry for any trouble I caused.

Hello from Oklahoma City.

So, I got in my car tonight, planning on driving. Driving and listening to music really loudly.

It is now 4:15 and I am sitting outside of an IHOP...

in Oklahoma City.

I'm not sure why I came all the way here. I don't even know what I am going to do besides just drive back to Wichita. I have listened to around 60 songs so far though, so I am accomplished my goal I suppose.

Interestingly enough, a man just walked up to my car and asked me to help him get some food and a shower. He seemed nice enough. Said that he has a job Monday painting in the courthouse.

I gave him the last of my cash and change out of my ashtray. Save the $2 I will need to pay the toll on the way home.

I hope that that little bit of money can help him, I hope that he does find a place to stay where he doesn't get robbed. Maybe I just bought him a pack of smokes, I don't know, but I am not really worried about it.

Maybe I drove down here to meet that man. I would like to think that my steps have at least some type of order to them. Who knows, maybe I just tossed a few bucks away for no real reason. I suppose I will probably never know.


There are no stars out tonight.

---

I wanted to let you know that I just want a chance to be there. I don't expect anything special, I just want a chance.

Please

just get out of my mind... Maybe then I can move on.

blog

I feel like I have lost the war. The cold, dry fingers of defeat have grasped my heart and I am given up. Right now my life is okay. Right now, there is nothing really horrible happening at all. There is no disaster ensuing, there is no dark horizon ahead.

For some reason, however, I feel as though I have lost something that I hold dear. I feel as though I have stepped past the threshold of the doorway that leads to sadness. I am standing in the middle of the road, yet have no path to move forward. I am standing in the rain, yet I am not getting wet.

Now before anyone starts predicting my inevitable destination in that pit of fire, I am not referring to anything quite so dramatic. I am only speaking of one area of my life, unfortunately, this area is one that I had hope for. Hope that it could be easy to heal. I fear, now, that this part of my life is going to be a rather painful process of healing. I fear that I will not be able to move forward in healing without accepting the resolve that I will hurt more deeply looking forward, than I have looking back.

I don't want to hurt anymore, but I know that things have only begun to hurt. I know that as I move forward I am going to feel utterly alone at some point, and I will have to deal with that when it comes. I doubt there is any preparation that I can make for that time either, as I have never dealt with it before. i have no way of knowing what to expect.

i have my friends, mostly. I know that I can lean on them, to a degree. I know that they will do what they can to help, at least in the beginning. But I am starting to feel as though I have to true friend in this world anymore. I am realizing that I keep so much buried deep within myself and have no one to confide in anymore. Having realized that I am not as independent as I had hoped, I am now realizing that I lack the very thing that I need to make it through this part of my life.

I don't have a best friend, at all...

Now, I have some good friends. I would never give any of them up at all. These friends, however, are not incredibly close to me emotionally. I have managed to find friends who I love to hang out with, yet am unable to emotionally be open with. I have lost anyone like that I fear.

---

Keith and Ashbee, Rob and Jamie, and I are planning to go see rocky horror picture show tonight. Maybe some mindless stupid fun will take my mind off of serious things long enough to forget.

My first sword

Well, I got my first sword tonight!

Kevin had Sephiroth's Katana (from Final Fantasy VII) and yes, it is 6 feet long!!

The best part is that I traded my 5 inch wacom and $20 for it.

Oh yeah, Keith says that either Kevin or I should blog about sodomy.


There, I did it.

Just a moment...

I've already posted these lyrics on my xanga, but I decided to s
hare them here as well.

It is amazing what can happen in just a moment. Just a small amount of time spent in His presence. I didn't think anything of it when this song played, but about half way through I was suddenly consumed in it and I ended up repeating it 3 more times. I am not ashamed to admit that I was in tears through the entire time.

Just one moment makes so much difference

I long for your embrace
Every single day
To meet you in this place
And see you face to face

Will you show me?
Reveal yourself to me
Because of your mercy
I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go
I am not alone
You call me as your own
To know you and be known

You are holy
And I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

I surrender to your grace
I surrender to the one who took my place

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender:

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

Rain ...falling

This morning was a nice surprise.

I love mornings like this. I love evenings like this... I love days like this. I love the rain. The drive to work this morning was pleasing, save for the increased number of losers on the road (read, anyone besides me).

I love the rain and I love to drive, naturally driving in the rain is particularly nice. Now, if the rain is an especially hard rain I don't too much care for driving, however, when it is a light rain that my wipers can easily deal with on the interval setting, I am happy.

It is too bad that I will not have a chance to really enjoy it today. I have fond memories of just sitting on the porch listening to the rain. Listening to the thunder. Staring into the pitch blackness of the night, knowing that there is a watery chaos just inches past me. I love the rain.

Loneliness

I have always perceived myself as a sociopath, in at least some form or another. I suppose I am so some degree, but I am finding that I am not nearly as much so as I have always thought.

Now it is very true that I enjoy time to be alone. I don't use this time to be introspective or anything, I just like to have time to just ignore the rest of the world and do something that I like to do. This usually ends up just sitting online screwing around, but I am not after any end goal, just the pursuit.

It has occurred to me lately that I really don't enjoy being alone much at all. Not, at least, if I have no choice in the matter. Take last night for instance. Kevin and I had decided that we would go to Keith's place to work out on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays (Fridays are also game night so that works out nicely).

Well, last night Keith was not to be found so we didn't go work out. What did I do? I went home and watched two episodes of Avatar and then drove to BK, got online for a bit and then went home and went to sleep...

I found myself yearning for some type of human interaction that I couldn't find. The one person I thought about that I could just talk pointless crap with, I just couldn't bring myself to do anything other than ask a stupid question in a desperate act of "I'm still here, just in case you were worried..."

I am finding that my life really is pretty pathetic outside of work and my geek culture.

---

On a completely unrelated note.

I have been bitten by the mod bug. I made the mistake of pricing an exhaust kit for my Tib. Previously I had believed the Borls catback kit was severely outside the realm of sensible cost. I discovered that it is half what I had thought. I then, today discovered that a fellow Tib owner has taken it upon themselves to produce supercharger kits for teh 3rd gen Tiburon that is literally a direct bolt on. These two items alone would easily put my car over 200 horses on the pavement. Alas, there is no humanly possible way that I will ever allow myself to spend that kind of money...

At any rate, my current "mod" is buying silverstars for all three pair of lights on the front of my car. Yes, three. Two H7 kits because the low beams are projectors and the high beams are reflected and then a pair of 9006s for the projector fogs. Eventually an HID retro would be nice, especially if I could manage a Bi-Xenon setup and just ignore those reflectors entirely....

So, I'm a horrible rep...

I have decided to leave the ear buds that came with my iPod at work. I, apparently, have oddly enough shaped ears that I can't really use ear buds. They never stay in my ears. As a result of this I purchased some "marshmallow" style in ear headphones. The kind that have a rubber surround and actually insert into the ear canal and seal against it, much like earplugs.

I enjoy these because they have much better bass response than I am used to. Of course I have to use two different sized cushions because my left ear is slightly smaller than my right.... I am okay with my defects.

Well, since the "marshmallow" style seals against the ear canal it really locks out external sound. Because of this I have to remove one when I am listening to music while conversing with people (yes, I am one of THOSE people). I also can't keep them on while I am on a call because my voice echoes in my head and I can barely hear the caller.

So what do I do? I use my standard ear buds under my headset while on calls. I can listen to my music and I can hear the customer just fine.

SO yeah, I listen to music while I am answering our customers calls.... I am a horrible rep.

Wichita, land of supercars....?

So apparently there is some pretty decent money floating around here in Wichita because I have been seeing more and more high dollar cars.

Now, of course there are the mercs and beemers, those aren't so special until you start noticing the specific badges they have on them. badges like M and AMG... I saw an SL65AMG at target about a year ago and it blew me away. Mostly because it was on the west side, I would expect to see them around the east side, but west side is a bit more practicaly minded, at least thats how it was.

Well, there is someone here who drives an SLR. An SLR, in Wichita, I don't know the price of those in American money, but I know they are around 600,000 British pounds, just figuring exchange rates that puts them around 3/4 of a million dollars. Now I am, sure that there are differences and it isn't a straight across conversion, but we are definitely talking about a car that single handedly costs more than probably 99% of the homes in Wichita.

Actually, the night we got T-Boned at 13th and Rock, I looked over and in the turn lane on 13th, turning south, sat that Mercedes McLaren SLR. Jeremy Clarkson was so right when he described the sound that engine makes.

Today I had to go to the bank to sort out an issue with my pin number and on the way back, lo AND behold, I see someone driving a Ford GT. That's a 150,000 car that makes 500 horses, not to mention insanely fuel thirsty. So I have decided that there is just too much money floating around this town and everyone who feels like spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a car needs to send me some cash so that I can buy a house, because that would be fun.

by the way...

The song lyrics I posted below (the ones in Japanese) are to the Song Daidai by Chatmonchy. If anyone has a copy of the full version I would love to have a copy. I can't manage to find it anywhere.

Here is the song in the closing credits of the current episodes of Bleach. I really enjoy this song.

good intentions

So, I finally saw a film that I have been meaning to for quite a long time. Everyone I know who has seen it has said that it is an amazing film and that I need to see it. It was written by Charlie Kaufman and directed by Michel Gondry. I am so happy that i saw it. not only is the story line so pertinent to life in general, but it was so well written and shot and directed that it sparked that desire in me again to make a film.

If you have read me in the past you may recall another film getting my creative juices flowing and making me want to create a film. The problem I ran into then was that I had no desire to create something ordinary. I don't want to make a love story, I don't want to make a comedy (mostly because I doubt my ability to be funny), as much as I love SciFi I don't desire to make anything in that genre. I tossed around the thought of a horror, but thats just not what I want.

I realized that if I am going to make a film I want it to be a genre breaker. I DO want a love story, but I don't want that to be THE story, I want some action type things, a fight, a car chase, something. I WANT something that is geeky and SciFi-esque, without being SciFi. At the same time I know for a fact that I don't want to make a movie that will be just another film. I want to make a movie that will affect people. I want those who watch it to say to themselves "wow, that was so amazing" because I want them to feel like the movie was written and created specifically for them.

I don't think this will ever happen. I am somewhat of a renaissance man in that I am a jack of all trades but a master of none. Because if my intense desire to learn I tend to absorb a lot of information about things, and then become bored with them only to move on to the next learning experience. This is why tech support suites me well, I work in an ever changing environment, I never get the chance to become bored or complacent.

Because of this fact about myself I find that a lot of the things I am interested in I am not very good at at all.

I LOVE photography, but I am really not that good at it. I lack any kind of technical proficiency at it and as such I cannot ever get the shots that I see in my minds eye.

I love music. music really is my center. I enjoy everything that is musical. Literally, I don't care what I am listening to, as long as it is music. I would love to make music. I desire deep within myself to express myself musically. I have taken this upon myself many times.

I have owned three guitars, two basses, a keyboard, a piano, and a violin. I currently own a digeridoo. I have also messed around with drums, both tribal style as well as drum kits. I sing whenever I can and sometimes I have to stop myself because I work in a call center environment. my best hope of ever doing anything musically came when I was introduced to programs like Acid, fruityloops, etc...

Then Beanbag came through in concert (I believe it was the extreme days tour.. or maybe right before the extreme days tour. I don't remember specifically because Hunz came back after they left just to see the next concert later that week.) At any rate, it was then that I met Hunz who was the front man for beanbag. He told me a lot of interesting things inthe almost two hours we talked after the concert. One thing he mentioned was a program called Buzz and about the "demo scene" I fell in love with Buzz and tried with all my heart to use it to be musical. I even created a couple tracks, I may even have them saved somewhere. But I have never really been a musician.

In all the things I have done, about the only one I have ever possessed any real talent with was mixing music. I remember the first time I saw a sound board. I had signed up for the sound ministry at church because it sounded interesting. I took one look at that ancient 32*8 tascam mixer and literally asked Dan (the head of the group) if he had a manual because I didn't think I could figure it out.

Two weeks later I found myself soloing for the first time at the second meeting of the singles group at church. I also had an ear infection that had completely deafened me in one ear and had all but deafened me in the other. I heard from Dan later that next week that he had reports that it sounded better than it had ever sounded in that church...

From that point on I have mixed sound. I have had people almost beg me to do sound for them. I have gotten offers to travel around the country doing sound for ministries. I have had a pastor who invested a LOT of money in his sound equipment tell me, after I had left that church to go back to Word of Life, that the sound system was mine if I wanted to come back.

i say all of this not to toot my own horn because it was not me who was so good at it, it was God using me that made me good. I literally worshiped behind the board. I really have a hard time worshiping when I DON'T have faders in front of me... I feel like I need to mix sound in order to worship properly. It is HOW I worship Him, by mixing the sound as good as I can possibly do so.


Wow, this has gotten way off of the original topic. I suppose that is possible with me because I tend to be pretty verbose. I don't think I will go any further, I will let you go back to something interesting rather than ramble any longer.

doko ni mo ikanaide

nanimo te ni tsuganai
shirokuru no hitomi de
watashi wa tada hitasura
ano koro no watashi wa
nani ni kandou shite
nani ni manzoku shite
jibun wo rikai shiteitano

doko ni mo ikanaide
doko ni mo ikanaide

itsuno ma nika, anata wo kizu tsukete
omoikakenai koto wo hashitteita
amaeru kiki tsuzukenuita watashi wa
kondo wa nani wo motomeru ka naa

modore no ikanaide
modore no ikanaide

Let Me In

Lying here, in this pit that life's pushed me down
I don't know, just how long I can take or when I might break
I'm in needing so someone, please show me the truth

This need is real in my soul I feel the love You shared that's why I can't say no again
My thoughts are confused for my sins Your abused
My heart it screams, to open up and let You in

In my mind, I'm still fighting to understand
Nothing's free, but what You offer me,
You give so freely, though it cost You Your life and inside, You show me the truth

This need is real in my soul I feel the love You shared that's why I can't say no again
My thoughts are confused for my sins Your abused
My heart it screams, to open up and let You in
You know I try to do it. To be a self made man

I tried to place it all upon my back again
But this crushing weight was well beneath the skin
Panicking for the light, an inner struggle I fight
But then I realized that You could be the only way

This need is real in my soul I feel the love You shared that's why I can't say no again
My thoughts are confused for my sins Your abused
My heart it screams, to open up and let You in

Let You in...

Oh cruel twist of iPodian fate!

Why doth thou tempt me? Verily I see that thin red lin in the battery shaped icon knowing that the end is nigh, yet ye tempteth me with thine most glorious music!

Seriously... the last 5 songs I have said "Okay, after this one I will plug it in to charge...."

moister than ever!

So tonight I went over to Chrystal's, er parent's house (I think thats what it was) to help wqith some computer issues and I got to meet her daughter. That girl is a cutie. She just turned 3 and she went through the same scenario as Timothy with his ears and getting tubes put in, and just like Timothy she is talkative as none other just a few months afterwards.

Apparently she doesn't like guys at all, but she was immediately smiling and talking to me and we just hit it off. She shared ice pops with me and even brought a glass of water with two straws so we could share. Just adorable... It reminded me that someday a daughter would be such a blessing...

I can't believe that I just said that...


Anyways, I enjoyed it a lot, maybe I miss my boys and that added to it, but it was honestly fun being around a child in that age. I think that is one of my favorite ages so far, where they are learning so much and talking and they are so playful!!

I think that is about all I have for this post... just thought I would share a wonderful "child" experience.


Oh yeah, the moist thing... Apparently she thought I was dry and decided to share her moisturizing lotion with me... a lot of it... I think the bottle was empty afterwards... hence, I am moister than ever before! :)

So much hurt.

Had I listened so long ago, so much hurt could be avoided today. It truly is amazing to see prophecy fulfilled.

Never believe that your actions today won't influence the future, thinking like that will end you up in a regrettable place.

I always try to live my life and accept the things I do, I try to never regret because regret doesn't get you anywhere. It is only when you face your mistakes and accept the results of them that you start to be able to move forward and overcome your mistakes.

I think it is called "learning from your mistakes"

Nailed...

I was not planning on getting online again this weekend. In fact I was planning on taking a few days off entirely, even while at work.

This morning Pastor Russ spoke about not becomming consumed with things, and that living for God is all we should be consumed with. This nailed me, straight up. I have let things consume me. Well, one thing in particular, and I let that thing take hold and begin to control me, instead of leaving everything in Gods hands.

Now, I am not the closest to God that I have ever been, this is definitely not me saying that I am so close to God right now, but for the first time in a long while I feel Him pushing on me, I feel him and hear him like I have not in a long time. I think that a long time ago I ignored Him, and that opened a door to continue ignoring Him. This has brought me to this place where I am right now.

Now, despite what some may thing or assume, I don't think I could ever walk away from God. My connection to Him is far far more than just an experience. I have literally watched Christ die for me, specifically for me. Not just some image of Jesus on the cross, but Jesus, savior of the entire world, dieing on a kitchen floor in my place, where I SHOULD have died. Because of this I have always known that God is there and God loves me. Because of this I can never turn my back on Him. I watched two men murder him, gleefully. How could one ever go through that kind of thing and not want to always be with God?

So here I am, sitting at Burger King, writing this. Hoping that my mistakes don't hurt Gods plans for my future. But inside, I know that God is not up there looking down on me as though I am some kind of disappointment. He loves me the same today as he did almost 11 years ago when I was laying on that kitchen floor bleeding to death, and He took my place. I am looking to the future without apprehension for the first time in years.


I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I am excited to see it.

Why?

Why can't I just leave well enough alone? Why do I have to fuck everything good up?

---

I've started going back to the Foundry. I had forgotten that Mark Waner was going there. This is a man who was literally one of my first spiritual father figures. Pastor Russ was not there last week, my first week going there. And Pastor Mark (I don't know if he is pastor or what, but I just know him as Pastor Mark, anything else feels funny) did the service. It was good. It's been a long time since I felt comfortable in church.

I know...

---

I am so lost right now. Nothing really makes sense. I thought I had figured something out, but again, I manage to screw it up. I feel as though I just can't do things right.

I'm sitting here... I am waiting...

Ever have one of "those" experiences?

You know what I am talking about? One of those experiences that marks a dramatic turning point in your life. The kind of experience that you don't even realize is a dramatic turning point until afterwards. You look back, wondering, "when did all of this happen?", and you follow the trail back to that point, that experience and just know, "It all started here..."

I think I had one Tuesday evening. I can't really say for sure because it hasn't been nearly long enough to tell, but suffice it to say, i am already feeling the change occur. At first it drove me crazy, what I began feeling, I wasn't sure what to do with it. I lost a bit of control.

Now things have started to cool down a bit and I am returning to normal after talking about it with a friend, well I've talked about ti will quite a few friends, but it was one friend in particular that I talked to that things started making sense again. At any rate, I find myself standing at the precipice, looking into the chasm, about to take the first step, hoping that there is a bridge there that I can't see, and I find that exciting.

No longer am I warring internally, not quite anyways. There is still a lot of turmoil, it's not like things just got better all of a sudden, it's more like suddenly the curtain was opened and shone in on the situation and I can now see my way through the labyrinth. I am still lost, but I can see the path in front of me, instead of having to follow the wall blindly hoping that I can make it out alive.

I am excited for the future, I can't wait to see what is in store. I really do feel level right now.


Now if only everything in my life could be this simple, or at least straightforward... no, it's not that, it's that I have hope... I have high hopes for the future, hopefully the future feels the same way.

I think I need an intervention.

I honestly think I am going mad. Seriously. I am talking to myself constantly. I am fixated on one thing 90% of the time, I am shirking my newfound responsibilities at work (we are implementing a knowledge base and it is our job to write the articles... I have yet to write one), I'm writing cryptic blog posts, and I have started to act without taking things into consideration.

That is not true, I labor over my thoughts, "what should I do?", "what should I say?" And then, despite my better judgment I say something else, or do something else.

I think I am losing my war with my emotions, and they are taking revenge on me.

wii would like to play!

So keith was hit by some girl about 2 and a half days after he picked up his new car. Nothing big, just some paint damage and a broken turn indicator. Well the insurance adjuster gave him like $650 for it and Ashbee has a relative or something that said he would fix it for like $150.

So Keith got a Wii. Seriously, he got the bank draft today, at lunch we drove to the bank, got cash, then before we left work he had found a brand new wii for $299 from a guy who just got his at walmart on order. Not bad really, considering you can't freakin find them ANYWHERE!! and it only ended up being about $30 more than he would have paid retail anyways after tax.

He then picked up a copy of Wiiplay (I don't care for it because I just don't do well with the fine movements on the wiimote) but it comes with a wiimote, so he hass two (only one nunchuck though which is a bummer) We promptly came back to his place and decided that instead of working out on his bowflex, tonight was wii party!!

Well, wii party Jr anyways.

I have to say that wii sports is amazingly fun! wii golf, wii tennis, wii boxing... AWESOMELY fun!

I have never had that much fun sweating in my life!

Even I don't understand. Maybe tomorrow

I feel like french toast today. Leaving the blender on can be dangerous. Obviously I don't have to tell you this though. Very few people can actually walk away from a running blender. Except maybe the deaf. You should still maintain a concious thought of it anyways. Out of all the fabulously forgotten appliances, the stove is probably the most common. Unless you count the refrigerator, then it would be that, except that you are supposed to leave the fridge running.

Internal war

I am at the mercy of my emotions.

That is something I have always tried, no, strived to overcome within myself. Not that I wish to be emotionless so much that I have always felt that a sound judgment of a situation should be made on solid fact. Emotion is the antithesis of solid fact. It is open, fluid, and varying. I do not desire to rid myself of emotion, rather I desire to be able to experience emotions without the seemingly chaotic repercussions of being 'emotional'.

Now, I find myself in an internal struggle, a war in which I am fighting against this very belief. I fin myself fighting to be open, fluid and varying, and I don't know how to do it.

How can I be a person who is controlled emotionally, how can I be an emotional person without giving up that control? How am I supposed to answer these emotionally turbulent questions in my heart if I cannot relinquish emotional control? What am I supposed to do?

---

I have taken up the practice of writing letters to people whom I wish to say things that I know that I cannot say right now. The last one I wrote was nearly 2000 words. These letters seem to be inundated with emotional outpour in an attempt to make sense of it. I suppose that it is quite therapeutic really. This last one I had been battling with a specific issue and finally realized that I have to stop trying to convince myself of something that I am trying not to allow right now. It helped. I came to the conclusion that I am not a horrible person for the emotions that I have, so long as I handle them appropriately.

Through all of this self realization I have found that I am no closer to what I want to be, or where I want to be than I was before.

Jealousy.

I spent the day, well most of it anyways, at my moms house helping her get her new desk and computer setup.

Her computer makes me jealous! It's a Core 2 Duo with 4 gig of ram and a 500 gig hard drive. It also has a blue tooth keyboard and mouse AND a friggin 22 inch flat panel monitor!!!! She did skimp on the video however, not being a gamer she decided to save the $400 by getting the 128 MB 8300 instead...... That thing runs circles around anything I have :(

---

On a separate note, I went to the Foundry this morning and saw a lot of people I have not seen in a long time. Alas Pastor Russ and Marilyn were out of town, but because of that Mark Waner gave the message today. Now Mark Waner, I call him Pastor mark Waner, but I don't know if he is a pastor anymore.. Anyways, I have not seen him in several years. This is the man who baptized me about 10 years ago, so it was very good to see him. He was one of m,y first Christian Father Figures.

It felt good. That is something that I have not felt in a while.

Apparently I really enjoy cucumber melon...

I have two air fresheners in my car that are cucumber melon. One is worthless of course and i merely have not removed it yet, but at this point I have two. I think that the only other scent I would enjoy in my car wold be "leather" but no one makes that that I am aware of, so cucumber melon it is.

It's NOT girly, I swear.

New blog

So mySpace sucks immensely and I have decided that I no longer wish to endure its relentless berating attitude towards users. Henceforth my blogs shall be here.

Have a nice day.