Please

just get out of my mind... Maybe then I can move on.

blog

I feel like I have lost the war. The cold, dry fingers of defeat have grasped my heart and I am given up. Right now my life is okay. Right now, there is nothing really horrible happening at all. There is no disaster ensuing, there is no dark horizon ahead.

For some reason, however, I feel as though I have lost something that I hold dear. I feel as though I have stepped past the threshold of the doorway that leads to sadness. I am standing in the middle of the road, yet have no path to move forward. I am standing in the rain, yet I am not getting wet.

Now before anyone starts predicting my inevitable destination in that pit of fire, I am not referring to anything quite so dramatic. I am only speaking of one area of my life, unfortunately, this area is one that I had hope for. Hope that it could be easy to heal. I fear, now, that this part of my life is going to be a rather painful process of healing. I fear that I will not be able to move forward in healing without accepting the resolve that I will hurt more deeply looking forward, than I have looking back.

I don't want to hurt anymore, but I know that things have only begun to hurt. I know that as I move forward I am going to feel utterly alone at some point, and I will have to deal with that when it comes. I doubt there is any preparation that I can make for that time either, as I have never dealt with it before. i have no way of knowing what to expect.

i have my friends, mostly. I know that I can lean on them, to a degree. I know that they will do what they can to help, at least in the beginning. But I am starting to feel as though I have to true friend in this world anymore. I am realizing that I keep so much buried deep within myself and have no one to confide in anymore. Having realized that I am not as independent as I had hoped, I am now realizing that I lack the very thing that I need to make it through this part of my life.

I don't have a best friend, at all...

Now, I have some good friends. I would never give any of them up at all. These friends, however, are not incredibly close to me emotionally. I have managed to find friends who I love to hang out with, yet am unable to emotionally be open with. I have lost anyone like that I fear.

---

Keith and Ashbee, Rob and Jamie, and I are planning to go see rocky horror picture show tonight. Maybe some mindless stupid fun will take my mind off of serious things long enough to forget.

My first sword

Well, I got my first sword tonight!

Kevin had Sephiroth's Katana (from Final Fantasy VII) and yes, it is 6 feet long!!

The best part is that I traded my 5 inch wacom and $20 for it.

Oh yeah, Keith says that either Kevin or I should blog about sodomy.


There, I did it.

Just a moment...

I've already posted these lyrics on my xanga, but I decided to s
hare them here as well.

It is amazing what can happen in just a moment. Just a small amount of time spent in His presence. I didn't think anything of it when this song played, but about half way through I was suddenly consumed in it and I ended up repeating it 3 more times. I am not ashamed to admit that I was in tears through the entire time.

Just one moment makes so much difference

I long for your embrace
Every single day
To meet you in this place
And see you face to face

Will you show me?
Reveal yourself to me
Because of your mercy
I fall down on my knees

And I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

You're everywhere I go
I am not alone
You call me as your own
To know you and be known

You are holy
And I fall down on my knees

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

I surrender to your grace
I surrender to the one who took my place

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender:

I can feel your presence here with me
Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty
Caught up in the wonder of your touch
Here in this moment I surrender to your love

Rain ...falling

This morning was a nice surprise.

I love mornings like this. I love evenings like this... I love days like this. I love the rain. The drive to work this morning was pleasing, save for the increased number of losers on the road (read, anyone besides me).

I love the rain and I love to drive, naturally driving in the rain is particularly nice. Now, if the rain is an especially hard rain I don't too much care for driving, however, when it is a light rain that my wipers can easily deal with on the interval setting, I am happy.

It is too bad that I will not have a chance to really enjoy it today. I have fond memories of just sitting on the porch listening to the rain. Listening to the thunder. Staring into the pitch blackness of the night, knowing that there is a watery chaos just inches past me. I love the rain.

Loneliness

I have always perceived myself as a sociopath, in at least some form or another. I suppose I am so some degree, but I am finding that I am not nearly as much so as I have always thought.

Now it is very true that I enjoy time to be alone. I don't use this time to be introspective or anything, I just like to have time to just ignore the rest of the world and do something that I like to do. This usually ends up just sitting online screwing around, but I am not after any end goal, just the pursuit.

It has occurred to me lately that I really don't enjoy being alone much at all. Not, at least, if I have no choice in the matter. Take last night for instance. Kevin and I had decided that we would go to Keith's place to work out on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays (Fridays are also game night so that works out nicely).

Well, last night Keith was not to be found so we didn't go work out. What did I do? I went home and watched two episodes of Avatar and then drove to BK, got online for a bit and then went home and went to sleep...

I found myself yearning for some type of human interaction that I couldn't find. The one person I thought about that I could just talk pointless crap with, I just couldn't bring myself to do anything other than ask a stupid question in a desperate act of "I'm still here, just in case you were worried..."

I am finding that my life really is pretty pathetic outside of work and my geek culture.

---

On a completely unrelated note.

I have been bitten by the mod bug. I made the mistake of pricing an exhaust kit for my Tib. Previously I had believed the Borls catback kit was severely outside the realm of sensible cost. I discovered that it is half what I had thought. I then, today discovered that a fellow Tib owner has taken it upon themselves to produce supercharger kits for teh 3rd gen Tiburon that is literally a direct bolt on. These two items alone would easily put my car over 200 horses on the pavement. Alas, there is no humanly possible way that I will ever allow myself to spend that kind of money...

At any rate, my current "mod" is buying silverstars for all three pair of lights on the front of my car. Yes, three. Two H7 kits because the low beams are projectors and the high beams are reflected and then a pair of 9006s for the projector fogs. Eventually an HID retro would be nice, especially if I could manage a Bi-Xenon setup and just ignore those reflectors entirely....

So, I'm a horrible rep...

I have decided to leave the ear buds that came with my iPod at work. I, apparently, have oddly enough shaped ears that I can't really use ear buds. They never stay in my ears. As a result of this I purchased some "marshmallow" style in ear headphones. The kind that have a rubber surround and actually insert into the ear canal and seal against it, much like earplugs.

I enjoy these because they have much better bass response than I am used to. Of course I have to use two different sized cushions because my left ear is slightly smaller than my right.... I am okay with my defects.

Well, since the "marshmallow" style seals against the ear canal it really locks out external sound. Because of this I have to remove one when I am listening to music while conversing with people (yes, I am one of THOSE people). I also can't keep them on while I am on a call because my voice echoes in my head and I can barely hear the caller.

So what do I do? I use my standard ear buds under my headset while on calls. I can listen to my music and I can hear the customer just fine.

SO yeah, I listen to music while I am answering our customers calls.... I am a horrible rep.

Wichita, land of supercars....?

So apparently there is some pretty decent money floating around here in Wichita because I have been seeing more and more high dollar cars.

Now, of course there are the mercs and beemers, those aren't so special until you start noticing the specific badges they have on them. badges like M and AMG... I saw an SL65AMG at target about a year ago and it blew me away. Mostly because it was on the west side, I would expect to see them around the east side, but west side is a bit more practicaly minded, at least thats how it was.

Well, there is someone here who drives an SLR. An SLR, in Wichita, I don't know the price of those in American money, but I know they are around 600,000 British pounds, just figuring exchange rates that puts them around 3/4 of a million dollars. Now I am, sure that there are differences and it isn't a straight across conversion, but we are definitely talking about a car that single handedly costs more than probably 99% of the homes in Wichita.

Actually, the night we got T-Boned at 13th and Rock, I looked over and in the turn lane on 13th, turning south, sat that Mercedes McLaren SLR. Jeremy Clarkson was so right when he described the sound that engine makes.

Today I had to go to the bank to sort out an issue with my pin number and on the way back, lo AND behold, I see someone driving a Ford GT. That's a 150,000 car that makes 500 horses, not to mention insanely fuel thirsty. So I have decided that there is just too much money floating around this town and everyone who feels like spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a car needs to send me some cash so that I can buy a house, because that would be fun.

by the way...

The song lyrics I posted below (the ones in Japanese) are to the Song Daidai by Chatmonchy. If anyone has a copy of the full version I would love to have a copy. I can't manage to find it anywhere.

Here is the song in the closing credits of the current episodes of Bleach. I really enjoy this song.

good intentions

So, I finally saw a film that I have been meaning to for quite a long time. Everyone I know who has seen it has said that it is an amazing film and that I need to see it. It was written by Charlie Kaufman and directed by Michel Gondry. I am so happy that i saw it. not only is the story line so pertinent to life in general, but it was so well written and shot and directed that it sparked that desire in me again to make a film.

If you have read me in the past you may recall another film getting my creative juices flowing and making me want to create a film. The problem I ran into then was that I had no desire to create something ordinary. I don't want to make a love story, I don't want to make a comedy (mostly because I doubt my ability to be funny), as much as I love SciFi I don't desire to make anything in that genre. I tossed around the thought of a horror, but thats just not what I want.

I realized that if I am going to make a film I want it to be a genre breaker. I DO want a love story, but I don't want that to be THE story, I want some action type things, a fight, a car chase, something. I WANT something that is geeky and SciFi-esque, without being SciFi. At the same time I know for a fact that I don't want to make a movie that will be just another film. I want to make a movie that will affect people. I want those who watch it to say to themselves "wow, that was so amazing" because I want them to feel like the movie was written and created specifically for them.

I don't think this will ever happen. I am somewhat of a renaissance man in that I am a jack of all trades but a master of none. Because if my intense desire to learn I tend to absorb a lot of information about things, and then become bored with them only to move on to the next learning experience. This is why tech support suites me well, I work in an ever changing environment, I never get the chance to become bored or complacent.

Because of this fact about myself I find that a lot of the things I am interested in I am not very good at at all.

I LOVE photography, but I am really not that good at it. I lack any kind of technical proficiency at it and as such I cannot ever get the shots that I see in my minds eye.

I love music. music really is my center. I enjoy everything that is musical. Literally, I don't care what I am listening to, as long as it is music. I would love to make music. I desire deep within myself to express myself musically. I have taken this upon myself many times.

I have owned three guitars, two basses, a keyboard, a piano, and a violin. I currently own a digeridoo. I have also messed around with drums, both tribal style as well as drum kits. I sing whenever I can and sometimes I have to stop myself because I work in a call center environment. my best hope of ever doing anything musically came when I was introduced to programs like Acid, fruityloops, etc...

Then Beanbag came through in concert (I believe it was the extreme days tour.. or maybe right before the extreme days tour. I don't remember specifically because Hunz came back after they left just to see the next concert later that week.) At any rate, it was then that I met Hunz who was the front man for beanbag. He told me a lot of interesting things inthe almost two hours we talked after the concert. One thing he mentioned was a program called Buzz and about the "demo scene" I fell in love with Buzz and tried with all my heart to use it to be musical. I even created a couple tracks, I may even have them saved somewhere. But I have never really been a musician.

In all the things I have done, about the only one I have ever possessed any real talent with was mixing music. I remember the first time I saw a sound board. I had signed up for the sound ministry at church because it sounded interesting. I took one look at that ancient 32*8 tascam mixer and literally asked Dan (the head of the group) if he had a manual because I didn't think I could figure it out.

Two weeks later I found myself soloing for the first time at the second meeting of the singles group at church. I also had an ear infection that had completely deafened me in one ear and had all but deafened me in the other. I heard from Dan later that next week that he had reports that it sounded better than it had ever sounded in that church...

From that point on I have mixed sound. I have had people almost beg me to do sound for them. I have gotten offers to travel around the country doing sound for ministries. I have had a pastor who invested a LOT of money in his sound equipment tell me, after I had left that church to go back to Word of Life, that the sound system was mine if I wanted to come back.

i say all of this not to toot my own horn because it was not me who was so good at it, it was God using me that made me good. I literally worshiped behind the board. I really have a hard time worshiping when I DON'T have faders in front of me... I feel like I need to mix sound in order to worship properly. It is HOW I worship Him, by mixing the sound as good as I can possibly do so.


Wow, this has gotten way off of the original topic. I suppose that is possible with me because I tend to be pretty verbose. I don't think I will go any further, I will let you go back to something interesting rather than ramble any longer.