Out of nowhere tonight, I get a phone call from a number that I don't recognize and lo and behold, it is Vanessa West calling me! Jack West was probably the best friend I have ever had as a Christian. Not only was he an amazing friend, he was an amazingly spiritual person.
Well, long story short, Jack fell away from God and ended up going back to the life he had left behind, which to be honest, makes most of us look like friggin saints. At any rate, I have not seen Jack in quite some time. The last time I saw him was at church after he had come back to God. Quite recently so.
I still remember the first time I saw him, sitting there in the chair at Tuck's place (well, it was actually Pastor Rob's place, but Tuck was staying there. Jack had been there for a day or two, he had literally just come in off the streets. He had lost a lot of weight and was basically skin and bones. He had been experiencing a very hard life out there.
The day that I heard Jack was back I cried... He really is one of the most important people in my life as far as my walk with God goes. He mentored me in so much and I consider not many above him in his understanding of Gods word. Even now, when I think about him falling and coming back to God, tears well up in me.
Well, Vanessa is his daughter and she was trying to get a hold of some of her dad's CDs that he recorded while giving messages. He was an Itinerate Evangelist, I was his sound guy. He had recorded several of his messages on CD and I had some hanging around in my basement. So I grab them and head over to her place and we chatted for a bit. Then as we are talking about her dad she asked me if I wanted his address. See jack is serving time for some of the things he had done while he was away, and now he is taking his responsibilities.
Then as she gave me the sheet of paper with his address on it she said to me that it would really mean a lot to him if I wrote him.
I am so glad that I have this opportunity. Jack means a lot to me, and I miss him tremendously!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
A word about harry potter...
Now, I have not read any of the Potter books. I have only seen portions of the movies. I don't have any clue about many of the specific references made in this article about parts of the book. In fact some of the points make no sense at all because they reference objects that I have not read about. However, I DO understand the basic point of this article and I find it entirely interesting that a self proclaimed atheist knows more about how grace works than most Christians.
Again, I am not a "Calvinist" and I do not personally subscribe to the faith that we don't have a choice, but I think that the author of this article would have no problem understanding the stance on grace that I take.
I enjoy it when someone of a diametrically opposed viewpoint to mine is capable of laying out an intelligent point. I am even more impressed when they can grasp the concepts of my beliefs.
Now a word to those who like Harry Potter... This article is pretty critical of the books and Rowling's writing in general.
Again, I am not a "Calvinist" and I do not personally subscribe to the faith that we don't have a choice, but I think that the author of this article would have no problem understanding the stance on grace that I take.
I enjoy it when someone of a diametrically opposed viewpoint to mine is capable of laying out an intelligent point. I am even more impressed when they can grasp the concepts of my beliefs.
Now a word to those who like Harry Potter... This article is pretty critical of the books and Rowling's writing in general.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
I touched it!
Note: The names below have been changed to protect the innocent!
One of our Release leads apparently picked up an iPhone recently. I get this IM from MR X, one of our cross over seasonals who bounces back and forth between support and testing. He tells me that he was amazed at how thin the iPhone was. This is exactly how our conversation went...
Now, before anyone decides to go out shopping for my birthday that is coming up in a couple months, I really CAN'T get an iPhone yet. I promised myself that I was going to wait for the 3rd gen, assuming they have a model then that can hold my entire collection. I have over 40 GB of music right now, so even an 8 Gig iPhone is completely useless to me as an mp3 player.
I did go over and oogle it though. It is thin, sleek, and oh so smexy! The first thing I did was open up the notepad application and typed out "Hello my name is Jesse" Except that with my fat thumbs I was missing everywhere. Amazingly enough, the finished sentence was perfect... it even knew my friggin NAME!!!
One of our Release leads apparently picked up an iPhone recently. I get this IM from MR X, one of our cross over seasonals who bounces back and forth between support and testing. He tells me that he was amazed at how thin the iPhone was. This is exactly how our conversation went...
(11:07:40 AM) MR X:
i just held an iPhone... :P
(11:08:44 AM) Me (MSN):
when?
(11:08:46 AM) Me (MSN):
where?
(11:08:47 AM) Me (MSN):
here?
(11:08:49 AM) Me (MSN):
someone has one?
(11:08:51 AM) Me (MSN):
who?
(11:08:52 AM) Me (MSN):
me
(11:08:53 AM) Me (MSN):
me
(11:08:54 AM) Me (MSN):
me
(11:08:55 AM) Me (MSN):
I want
(11:09:10 AM) MR X:
MS iPhone lol
(11:09:14 AM) Me (MSN):
freakin A
(11:09:18 AM) Me (MSN):
I am SO hers
(11:09:24 AM) Me (MSN):
she can have me if I can use that
(11:09:43 AM) MR X:
she is single... lol
(11:10:50 AM) Me (MSN):
I REALLY WANT AN IPHONE!!!
Now, before anyone decides to go out shopping for my birthday that is coming up in a couple months, I really CAN'T get an iPhone yet. I promised myself that I was going to wait for the 3rd gen, assuming they have a model then that can hold my entire collection. I have over 40 GB of music right now, so even an 8 Gig iPhone is completely useless to me as an mp3 player.
I did go over and oogle it though. It is thin, sleek, and oh so smexy! The first thing I did was open up the notepad application and typed out "Hello my name is Jesse" Except that with my fat thumbs I was missing everywhere. Amazingly enough, the finished sentence was perfect... it even knew my friggin NAME!!!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Here am I...
I am sitting here waiting. I am waiting for you.
Please, please come soon, I desperately need you here with me.
Please, please come soon, I desperately need you here with me.
my heart.
I don't know who I am. Some days I think that I am a loner, that guy who could spend the rest of his life alone and never developing anything like a relationship with another human being.
Some days I actually could do that. I could just pack it up, hop in my car and drive to where no one knows me and start over. But then I come to my senses and realize that I could never accomplish that because no matter where I am, I talk to people, when I talk to people I make friends, when I make friends I begin to desire deeper relationships, and when that happens I feel as though I should just pack up and move on to where no one knows me.
It is a vicious cycle that I walk. I have never gone so far as to just pack it up and leave. I have left parts of my life behind as I moved on to new things. It is much the same. As I look back I realize how much treasure I have left behind me in my old friends. Somewhere deep inside of me I have this pain of loss. I am usually able to repress it, to ignore it, to push it away so that I don't have to deal with it. Dealing with it would be far to painful to deal with.
Right now, I am at a point in my life where I think I have to pull this stuff out and deal with it NOW, before I end up ruining the rest of my life. I am realizing that I am a deeply emotional person, despite everything I have worked toward in my life. I am past that chaotic stage where I lost control and started acting like an idiot. Right now, right here, I am just plain frightened to death of the future and what it holds for me.
Looking back I can see the mistakes I have made and the events leading up to them are starting to fall into place as if I am watching a giant jigsaw puzzle of my life being assembled. I am beginning to see why I thought that I was incomplete without a wife, I am starting to put together the reason that, despite all the warning signs, I decided to do what I THOUGHT was the best course, rather than listening to God.
We are so conditioned to think that without another person we are only half of a whole. We are somehow incomplete unless we find our "soul mate". I was so driven by that that I never realized how special I was as a person. I never realized that I am not completed by another person, but I am already complete in Christ.
Now that it is so many years later and I am on the precipice of divorce I have found myself examining my life thus far, looking for where I went wrong. Suddenly I found myself re-experiencing those same feelings. Feeling as though I was incomplete without a female counterpart. It has only been in the last few days that I realized that it is okay if I am alone. I am a wonderful being all by myself. Now, realizing that, knowing it, and feeling it are three completely different things.
I know that deep within myself I desire to have someone. I believe that this is an innate thing that is placed within people. A desire to be with another human being. It is not that we need to be completed by another person, but we need to extend beyond our singularity and expand who we are to include another being.
I think that this is why so many relationships fail. We are yearning for another person, looking for that person who completes us, meanwhile we are offering up only part of a person. We have gotten to where we think that two people make a whole, that is wrong. Two people make two people. How can we even begin to search for another human to be with when we don't even know who we are yet? how can we ever expect anything besides failure if all we have to offer is an incomplete person who thinks that their resolution lies in the other? This is impossible.
I posted the lyrics to Iris by the goo goo dolls on my xanga. I have had it on repeat since then. I keep listening to it over and over trying to capture what it holds. It's not like I am dreaming about finding that person that the song is about. No, I am beyond that at this point. What I do want, however, is to feel what the songs implies. I want to be at that point where I am willing to just give up everything to be with someone... But at the same time, that thought in itself scares the hell out of me.
That is the baggage I carry with me I suppose. It's not like I am in the market for a relationship. I'm not out looking for someone. Heck, someone here at work suggested that I start dating, nothing serious, just messing around and having some fun. That doesn't even sound like an option to me. I don't think that I want to ever be "in the market".
I think that if I am to ever find anyone to be with then it will have to be something natural. I don't want to go looking for it. Right now I am just Jesse, a guy. I don't want to be half of a couple, even if that does mean being the 3rd wheel, or the 5th wheel, or even... gasp, the 7th wheel like has happened already.
I think I am finally okay with being single, at least, in thought. Whether my heart allows me to give up that yearning to "be with someone" has yet to be seen. I suppose it is much like breaking a habit, I have spent every day of my life with someone, either with my family or with my roommates, or with my wife. It will just take some adjusting to be with no one right now.
Please, please let me find happiness in this world without becoming consumed by my wants. Please allow me to see the real beauty of who I am as a person rather than seeing only my shortcomings as a single. Let me happily be just Jesse.
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Some days I actually could do that. I could just pack it up, hop in my car and drive to where no one knows me and start over. But then I come to my senses and realize that I could never accomplish that because no matter where I am, I talk to people, when I talk to people I make friends, when I make friends I begin to desire deeper relationships, and when that happens I feel as though I should just pack up and move on to where no one knows me.
It is a vicious cycle that I walk. I have never gone so far as to just pack it up and leave. I have left parts of my life behind as I moved on to new things. It is much the same. As I look back I realize how much treasure I have left behind me in my old friends. Somewhere deep inside of me I have this pain of loss. I am usually able to repress it, to ignore it, to push it away so that I don't have to deal with it. Dealing with it would be far to painful to deal with.
Right now, I am at a point in my life where I think I have to pull this stuff out and deal with it NOW, before I end up ruining the rest of my life. I am realizing that I am a deeply emotional person, despite everything I have worked toward in my life. I am past that chaotic stage where I lost control and started acting like an idiot. Right now, right here, I am just plain frightened to death of the future and what it holds for me.
Looking back I can see the mistakes I have made and the events leading up to them are starting to fall into place as if I am watching a giant jigsaw puzzle of my life being assembled. I am beginning to see why I thought that I was incomplete without a wife, I am starting to put together the reason that, despite all the warning signs, I decided to do what I THOUGHT was the best course, rather than listening to God.
We are so conditioned to think that without another person we are only half of a whole. We are somehow incomplete unless we find our "soul mate". I was so driven by that that I never realized how special I was as a person. I never realized that I am not completed by another person, but I am already complete in Christ.
Now that it is so many years later and I am on the precipice of divorce I have found myself examining my life thus far, looking for where I went wrong. Suddenly I found myself re-experiencing those same feelings. Feeling as though I was incomplete without a female counterpart. It has only been in the last few days that I realized that it is okay if I am alone. I am a wonderful being all by myself. Now, realizing that, knowing it, and feeling it are three completely different things.
I know that deep within myself I desire to have someone. I believe that this is an innate thing that is placed within people. A desire to be with another human being. It is not that we need to be completed by another person, but we need to extend beyond our singularity and expand who we are to include another being.
I think that this is why so many relationships fail. We are yearning for another person, looking for that person who completes us, meanwhile we are offering up only part of a person. We have gotten to where we think that two people make a whole, that is wrong. Two people make two people. How can we even begin to search for another human to be with when we don't even know who we are yet? how can we ever expect anything besides failure if all we have to offer is an incomplete person who thinks that their resolution lies in the other? This is impossible.
I posted the lyrics to Iris by the goo goo dolls on my xanga. I have had it on repeat since then. I keep listening to it over and over trying to capture what it holds. It's not like I am dreaming about finding that person that the song is about. No, I am beyond that at this point. What I do want, however, is to feel what the songs implies. I want to be at that point where I am willing to just give up everything to be with someone... But at the same time, that thought in itself scares the hell out of me.
That is the baggage I carry with me I suppose. It's not like I am in the market for a relationship. I'm not out looking for someone. Heck, someone here at work suggested that I start dating, nothing serious, just messing around and having some fun. That doesn't even sound like an option to me. I don't think that I want to ever be "in the market".
I think that if I am to ever find anyone to be with then it will have to be something natural. I don't want to go looking for it. Right now I am just Jesse, a guy. I don't want to be half of a couple, even if that does mean being the 3rd wheel, or the 5th wheel, or even... gasp, the 7th wheel like has happened already.
I think I am finally okay with being single, at least, in thought. Whether my heart allows me to give up that yearning to "be with someone" has yet to be seen. I suppose it is much like breaking a habit, I have spent every day of my life with someone, either with my family or with my roommates, or with my wife. It will just take some adjusting to be with no one right now.
Please, please let me find happiness in this world without becoming consumed by my wants. Please allow me to see the real beauty of who I am as a person rather than seeing only my shortcomings as a single. Let me happily be just Jesse.
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Monday, August 27, 2007
Ahh the wonders of wii sports golf...
Never underestimate the power of a mindless game where you wing your body like a toolbox. I have to say that ever time we play with Keith's wii it is an awesome time. I doubt I will ever own a wii, but Keith having one seems to be enough!
Sunday, August 26, 2007
I think I have it.
I think that I discovered my main character... I am going to start writing. I would think that this would excite me, but oddly enough, this seems more an exercise in self realization than anything else, and I have always viewed that as something I don't wish to delve into.
At the same time, I feel compelled to push forward.
At the same time, I feel compelled to push forward.
An update
Well, last night, I was perusing google maps of Oklahoma city, I was about ready to just head home and that guy shows back up asking if I can give him a ride somewhere.
Now, I would never recommend just giving some guy a ride at 4:30 in the morning, in a town you are unfamiliar with. I am, however, still alive. It was an interesting experience. I had some apprehension about it at first, and in fact, when I saw the neighborhood that I was taking him to, and he asked me to wait for a minute, there was some concern that he was trying to make some money by selling my belongings to some thugs... But, like I said, I am still alive.
In all honesty, my biggest concern was that he would stink up my car, but that was pretty minor. He did, by the way. He reeked of stale cigarettes and month old BO. By the time I got back to Wichita, though, that had worn off... I would say that it was worth it because I got to help someone in need. Even if it was just preventing him from having to walk 4 miles.
I spend my days helping people, it just seemed natural to help this man, and hopefully, something good will come of it.
It all seems so trivial looking back. Here I am, driving my car, I can just afford to drop the tank of gas that it took to get down there and back. I'm all depressed about my life and my troubles. Then I meet this guy.
He is literally living on the streets bumming money to get food and a shower. I am not naive, I know that at least to some degree that man is responsible for his fate. We all make our choices and we all have to live with them. At this point though, he is in a much worse way than I have ever been, yet, that has not prevented me from feeling sorry for myself over the insignificant things that trouble me.
Something changed last night I think. Things still trouble me, but for some reason, I just don't care as much anymore.
I really am done, you don't need to worry anymore. Whatever happens, happens and I will no longer try to make things happen. I will no longer push my will on my emotional state, I will accept those things that affect my life.
I am sorry for any trouble I caused.
Now, I would never recommend just giving some guy a ride at 4:30 in the morning, in a town you are unfamiliar with. I am, however, still alive. It was an interesting experience. I had some apprehension about it at first, and in fact, when I saw the neighborhood that I was taking him to, and he asked me to wait for a minute, there was some concern that he was trying to make some money by selling my belongings to some thugs... But, like I said, I am still alive.
In all honesty, my biggest concern was that he would stink up my car, but that was pretty minor. He did, by the way. He reeked of stale cigarettes and month old BO. By the time I got back to Wichita, though, that had worn off... I would say that it was worth it because I got to help someone in need. Even if it was just preventing him from having to walk 4 miles.
I spend my days helping people, it just seemed natural to help this man, and hopefully, something good will come of it.
It all seems so trivial looking back. Here I am, driving my car, I can just afford to drop the tank of gas that it took to get down there and back. I'm all depressed about my life and my troubles. Then I meet this guy.
He is literally living on the streets bumming money to get food and a shower. I am not naive, I know that at least to some degree that man is responsible for his fate. We all make our choices and we all have to live with them. At this point though, he is in a much worse way than I have ever been, yet, that has not prevented me from feeling sorry for myself over the insignificant things that trouble me.
Something changed last night I think. Things still trouble me, but for some reason, I just don't care as much anymore.
I really am done, you don't need to worry anymore. Whatever happens, happens and I will no longer try to make things happen. I will no longer push my will on my emotional state, I will accept those things that affect my life.
I am sorry for any trouble I caused.
Hello from Oklahoma City.
So, I got in my car tonight, planning on driving. Driving and listening to music really loudly.
It is now 4:15 and I am sitting outside of an IHOP...
in Oklahoma City.
I'm not sure why I came all the way here. I don't even know what I am going to do besides just drive back to Wichita. I have listened to around 60 songs so far though, so I am accomplished my goal I suppose.
Interestingly enough, a man just walked up to my car and asked me to help him get some food and a shower. He seemed nice enough. Said that he has a job Monday painting in the courthouse.
I gave him the last of my cash and change out of my ashtray. Save the $2 I will need to pay the toll on the way home.
I hope that that little bit of money can help him, I hope that he does find a place to stay where he doesn't get robbed. Maybe I just bought him a pack of smokes, I don't know, but I am not really worried about it.
Maybe I drove down here to meet that man. I would like to think that my steps have at least some type of order to them. Who knows, maybe I just tossed a few bucks away for no real reason. I suppose I will probably never know.
There are no stars out tonight.
I wanted to let you know that I just want a chance to be there. I don't expect anything special, I just want a chance.
It is now 4:15 and I am sitting outside of an IHOP...
in Oklahoma City.
I'm not sure why I came all the way here. I don't even know what I am going to do besides just drive back to Wichita. I have listened to around 60 songs so far though, so I am accomplished my goal I suppose.
Interestingly enough, a man just walked up to my car and asked me to help him get some food and a shower. He seemed nice enough. Said that he has a job Monday painting in the courthouse.
I gave him the last of my cash and change out of my ashtray. Save the $2 I will need to pay the toll on the way home.
I hope that that little bit of money can help him, I hope that he does find a place to stay where he doesn't get robbed. Maybe I just bought him a pack of smokes, I don't know, but I am not really worried about it.
Maybe I drove down here to meet that man. I would like to think that my steps have at least some type of order to them. Who knows, maybe I just tossed a few bucks away for no real reason. I suppose I will probably never know.
There are no stars out tonight.
I wanted to let you know that I just want a chance to be there. I don't expect anything special, I just want a chance.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
