Why can't I just leave well enough alone? Why do I have to fuck everything good up?
I've started going back to the Foundry. I had forgotten that Mark Waner was going there. This is a man who was literally one of my first spiritual father figures. Pastor Russ was not there last week, my first week going there. And Pastor Mark (I don't know if he is pastor or what, but I just know him as Pastor Mark, anything else feels funny) did the service. It was good. It's been a long time since I felt comfortable in church.
I know...
I am so lost right now. Nothing really makes sense. I thought I had figured something out, but again, I manage to screw it up. I feel as though I just can't do things right.
I'm sitting here... I am waiting...
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
Ever have one of "those" experiences?
You know what I am talking about? One of those experiences that marks a dramatic turning point in your life. The kind of experience that you don't even realize is a dramatic turning point until afterwards. You look back, wondering, "when did all of this happen?", and you follow the trail back to that point, that experience and just know, "It all started here..."
I think I had one Tuesday evening. I can't really say for sure because it hasn't been nearly long enough to tell, but suffice it to say, i am already feeling the change occur. At first it drove me crazy, what I began feeling, I wasn't sure what to do with it. I lost a bit of control.
Now things have started to cool down a bit and I am returning to normal after talking about it with a friend, well I've talked about ti will quite a few friends, but it was one friend in particular that I talked to that things started making sense again. At any rate, I find myself standing at the precipice, looking into the chasm, about to take the first step, hoping that there is a bridge there that I can't see, and I find that exciting.
No longer am I warring internally, not quite anyways. There is still a lot of turmoil, it's not like things just got better all of a sudden, it's more like suddenly the curtain was opened and shone in on the situation and I can now see my way through the labyrinth. I am still lost, but I can see the path in front of me, instead of having to follow the wall blindly hoping that I can make it out alive.
I am excited for the future, I can't wait to see what is in store. I really do feel level right now.
Now if only everything in my life could be this simple, or at least straightforward... no, it's not that, it's that I have hope... I have high hopes for the future, hopefully the future feels the same way.
I think I had one Tuesday evening. I can't really say for sure because it hasn't been nearly long enough to tell, but suffice it to say, i am already feeling the change occur. At first it drove me crazy, what I began feeling, I wasn't sure what to do with it. I lost a bit of control.
Now things have started to cool down a bit and I am returning to normal after talking about it with a friend, well I've talked about ti will quite a few friends, but it was one friend in particular that I talked to that things started making sense again. At any rate, I find myself standing at the precipice, looking into the chasm, about to take the first step, hoping that there is a bridge there that I can't see, and I find that exciting.
No longer am I warring internally, not quite anyways. There is still a lot of turmoil, it's not like things just got better all of a sudden, it's more like suddenly the curtain was opened and shone in on the situation and I can now see my way through the labyrinth. I am still lost, but I can see the path in front of me, instead of having to follow the wall blindly hoping that I can make it out alive.
I am excited for the future, I can't wait to see what is in store. I really do feel level right now.
Now if only everything in my life could be this simple, or at least straightforward... no, it's not that, it's that I have hope... I have high hopes for the future, hopefully the future feels the same way.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
I think I need an intervention.
I honestly think I am going mad. Seriously. I am talking to myself constantly. I am fixated on one thing 90% of the time, I am shirking my newfound responsibilities at work (we are implementing a knowledge base and it is our job to write the articles... I have yet to write one), I'm writing cryptic blog posts, and I have started to act without taking things into consideration.
That is not true, I labor over my thoughts, "what should I do?", "what should I say?" And then, despite my better judgment I say something else, or do something else.
I think I am losing my war with my emotions, and they are taking revenge on me.
That is not true, I labor over my thoughts, "what should I do?", "what should I say?" And then, despite my better judgment I say something else, or do something else.
I think I am losing my war with my emotions, and they are taking revenge on me.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
wii would like to play!
So keith was hit by some girl about 2 and a half days after he picked up his new car. Nothing big, just some paint damage and a broken turn indicator. Well the insurance adjuster gave him like $650 for it and Ashbee has a relative or something that said he would fix it for like $150.
So Keith got a Wii. Seriously, he got the bank draft today, at lunch we drove to the bank, got cash, then before we left work he had found a brand new wii for $299 from a guy who just got his at walmart on order. Not bad really, considering you can't freakin find them ANYWHERE!! and it only ended up being about $30 more than he would have paid retail anyways after tax.
He then picked up a copy of Wiiplay (I don't care for it because I just don't do well with the fine movements on the wiimote) but it comes with a wiimote, so he hass two (only one nunchuck though which is a bummer) We promptly came back to his place and decided that instead of working out on his bowflex, tonight was wii party!!
Well, wii party Jr anyways.
I have to say that wii sports is amazingly fun! wii golf, wii tennis, wii boxing... AWESOMELY fun!
I have never had that much fun sweating in my life!
So Keith got a Wii. Seriously, he got the bank draft today, at lunch we drove to the bank, got cash, then before we left work he had found a brand new wii for $299 from a guy who just got his at walmart on order. Not bad really, considering you can't freakin find them ANYWHERE!! and it only ended up being about $30 more than he would have paid retail anyways after tax.
He then picked up a copy of Wiiplay (I don't care for it because I just don't do well with the fine movements on the wiimote) but it comes with a wiimote, so he hass two (only one nunchuck though which is a bummer) We promptly came back to his place and decided that instead of working out on his bowflex, tonight was wii party!!
Well, wii party Jr anyways.
I have to say that wii sports is amazingly fun! wii golf, wii tennis, wii boxing... AWESOMELY fun!
I have never had that much fun sweating in my life!
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Even I don't understand. Maybe tomorrow
I feel like french toast today. Leaving the blender on can be dangerous. Obviously I don't have to tell you this though. Very few people can actually walk away from a running blender. Except maybe the deaf. You should still maintain a concious thought of it anyways. Out of all the fabulously forgotten appliances, the stove is probably the most common. Unless you count the refrigerator, then it would be that, except that you are supposed to leave the fridge running.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Internal war
I am at the mercy of my emotions.
That is something I have always tried, no, strived to overcome within myself. Not that I wish to be emotionless so much that I have always felt that a sound judgment of a situation should be made on solid fact. Emotion is the antithesis of solid fact. It is open, fluid, and varying. I do not desire to rid myself of emotion, rather I desire to be able to experience emotions without the seemingly chaotic repercussions of being 'emotional'.
Now, I find myself in an internal struggle, a war in which I am fighting against this very belief. I fin myself fighting to be open, fluid and varying, and I don't know how to do it.
How can I be a person who is controlled emotionally, how can I be an emotional person without giving up that control? How am I supposed to answer these emotionally turbulent questions in my heart if I cannot relinquish emotional control? What am I supposed to do?
I have taken up the practice of writing letters to people whom I wish to say things that I know that I cannot say right now. The last one I wrote was nearly 2000 words. These letters seem to be inundated with emotional outpour in an attempt to make sense of it. I suppose that it is quite therapeutic really. This last one I had been battling with a specific issue and finally realized that I have to stop trying to convince myself of something that I am trying not to allow right now. It helped. I came to the conclusion that I am not a horrible person for the emotions that I have, so long as I handle them appropriately.
Through all of this self realization I have found that I am no closer to what I want to be, or where I want to be than I was before.
That is something I have always tried, no, strived to overcome within myself. Not that I wish to be emotionless so much that I have always felt that a sound judgment of a situation should be made on solid fact. Emotion is the antithesis of solid fact. It is open, fluid, and varying. I do not desire to rid myself of emotion, rather I desire to be able to experience emotions without the seemingly chaotic repercussions of being 'emotional'.
Now, I find myself in an internal struggle, a war in which I am fighting against this very belief. I fin myself fighting to be open, fluid and varying, and I don't know how to do it.
How can I be a person who is controlled emotionally, how can I be an emotional person without giving up that control? How am I supposed to answer these emotionally turbulent questions in my heart if I cannot relinquish emotional control? What am I supposed to do?
I have taken up the practice of writing letters to people whom I wish to say things that I know that I cannot say right now. The last one I wrote was nearly 2000 words. These letters seem to be inundated with emotional outpour in an attempt to make sense of it. I suppose that it is quite therapeutic really. This last one I had been battling with a specific issue and finally realized that I have to stop trying to convince myself of something that I am trying not to allow right now. It helped. I came to the conclusion that I am not a horrible person for the emotions that I have, so long as I handle them appropriately.
Through all of this self realization I have found that I am no closer to what I want to be, or where I want to be than I was before.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Jealousy.
I spent the day, well most of it anyways, at my moms house helping her get her new desk and computer setup.
Her computer makes me jealous! It's a Core 2 Duo with 4 gig of ram and a 500 gig hard drive. It also has a blue tooth keyboard and mouse AND a friggin 22 inch flat panel monitor!!!! She did skimp on the video however, not being a gamer she decided to save the $400 by getting the 128 MB 8300 instead...... That thing runs circles around anything I have :(
On a separate note, I went to the Foundry this morning and saw a lot of people I have not seen in a long time. Alas Pastor Russ and Marilyn were out of town, but because of that Mark Waner gave the message today. Now Mark Waner, I call him Pastor mark Waner, but I don't know if he is a pastor anymore.. Anyways, I have not seen him in several years. This is the man who baptized me about 10 years ago, so it was very good to see him. He was one of m,y first Christian Father Figures.
It felt good. That is something that I have not felt in a while.
Her computer makes me jealous! It's a Core 2 Duo with 4 gig of ram and a 500 gig hard drive. It also has a blue tooth keyboard and mouse AND a friggin 22 inch flat panel monitor!!!! She did skimp on the video however, not being a gamer she decided to save the $400 by getting the 128 MB 8300 instead...... That thing runs circles around anything I have :(
On a separate note, I went to the Foundry this morning and saw a lot of people I have not seen in a long time. Alas Pastor Russ and Marilyn were out of town, but because of that Mark Waner gave the message today. Now Mark Waner, I call him Pastor mark Waner, but I don't know if he is a pastor anymore.. Anyways, I have not seen him in several years. This is the man who baptized me about 10 years ago, so it was very good to see him. He was one of m,y first Christian Father Figures.
It felt good. That is something that I have not felt in a while.
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