good intentions

So, I finally saw a film that I have been meaning to for quite a long time. Everyone I know who has seen it has said that it is an amazing film and that I need to see it. It was written by Charlie Kaufman and directed by Michel Gondry. I am so happy that i saw it. not only is the story line so pertinent to life in general, but it was so well written and shot and directed that it sparked that desire in me again to make a film.

If you have read me in the past you may recall another film getting my creative juices flowing and making me want to create a film. The problem I ran into then was that I had no desire to create something ordinary. I don't want to make a love story, I don't want to make a comedy (mostly because I doubt my ability to be funny), as much as I love SciFi I don't desire to make anything in that genre. I tossed around the thought of a horror, but thats just not what I want.

I realized that if I am going to make a film I want it to be a genre breaker. I DO want a love story, but I don't want that to be THE story, I want some action type things, a fight, a car chase, something. I WANT something that is geeky and SciFi-esque, without being SciFi. At the same time I know for a fact that I don't want to make a movie that will be just another film. I want to make a movie that will affect people. I want those who watch it to say to themselves "wow, that was so amazing" because I want them to feel like the movie was written and created specifically for them.

I don't think this will ever happen. I am somewhat of a renaissance man in that I am a jack of all trades but a master of none. Because if my intense desire to learn I tend to absorb a lot of information about things, and then become bored with them only to move on to the next learning experience. This is why tech support suites me well, I work in an ever changing environment, I never get the chance to become bored or complacent.

Because of this fact about myself I find that a lot of the things I am interested in I am not very good at at all.

I LOVE photography, but I am really not that good at it. I lack any kind of technical proficiency at it and as such I cannot ever get the shots that I see in my minds eye.

I love music. music really is my center. I enjoy everything that is musical. Literally, I don't care what I am listening to, as long as it is music. I would love to make music. I desire deep within myself to express myself musically. I have taken this upon myself many times.

I have owned three guitars, two basses, a keyboard, a piano, and a violin. I currently own a digeridoo. I have also messed around with drums, both tribal style as well as drum kits. I sing whenever I can and sometimes I have to stop myself because I work in a call center environment. my best hope of ever doing anything musically came when I was introduced to programs like Acid, fruityloops, etc...

Then Beanbag came through in concert (I believe it was the extreme days tour.. or maybe right before the extreme days tour. I don't remember specifically because Hunz came back after they left just to see the next concert later that week.) At any rate, it was then that I met Hunz who was the front man for beanbag. He told me a lot of interesting things inthe almost two hours we talked after the concert. One thing he mentioned was a program called Buzz and about the "demo scene" I fell in love with Buzz and tried with all my heart to use it to be musical. I even created a couple tracks, I may even have them saved somewhere. But I have never really been a musician.

In all the things I have done, about the only one I have ever possessed any real talent with was mixing music. I remember the first time I saw a sound board. I had signed up for the sound ministry at church because it sounded interesting. I took one look at that ancient 32*8 tascam mixer and literally asked Dan (the head of the group) if he had a manual because I didn't think I could figure it out.

Two weeks later I found myself soloing for the first time at the second meeting of the singles group at church. I also had an ear infection that had completely deafened me in one ear and had all but deafened me in the other. I heard from Dan later that next week that he had reports that it sounded better than it had ever sounded in that church...

From that point on I have mixed sound. I have had people almost beg me to do sound for them. I have gotten offers to travel around the country doing sound for ministries. I have had a pastor who invested a LOT of money in his sound equipment tell me, after I had left that church to go back to Word of Life, that the sound system was mine if I wanted to come back.

i say all of this not to toot my own horn because it was not me who was so good at it, it was God using me that made me good. I literally worshiped behind the board. I really have a hard time worshiping when I DON'T have faders in front of me... I feel like I need to mix sound in order to worship properly. It is HOW I worship Him, by mixing the sound as good as I can possibly do so.


Wow, this has gotten way off of the original topic. I suppose that is possible with me because I tend to be pretty verbose. I don't think I will go any further, I will let you go back to something interesting rather than ramble any longer.

doko ni mo ikanaide

nanimo te ni tsuganai
shirokuru no hitomi de
watashi wa tada hitasura
ano koro no watashi wa
nani ni kandou shite
nani ni manzoku shite
jibun wo rikai shiteitano

doko ni mo ikanaide
doko ni mo ikanaide

itsuno ma nika, anata wo kizu tsukete
omoikakenai koto wo hashitteita
amaeru kiki tsuzukenuita watashi wa
kondo wa nani wo motomeru ka naa

modore no ikanaide
modore no ikanaide

Let Me In

Lying here, in this pit that life's pushed me down
I don't know, just how long I can take or when I might break
I'm in needing so someone, please show me the truth

This need is real in my soul I feel the love You shared that's why I can't say no again
My thoughts are confused for my sins Your abused
My heart it screams, to open up and let You in

In my mind, I'm still fighting to understand
Nothing's free, but what You offer me,
You give so freely, though it cost You Your life and inside, You show me the truth

This need is real in my soul I feel the love You shared that's why I can't say no again
My thoughts are confused for my sins Your abused
My heart it screams, to open up and let You in
You know I try to do it. To be a self made man

I tried to place it all upon my back again
But this crushing weight was well beneath the skin
Panicking for the light, an inner struggle I fight
But then I realized that You could be the only way

This need is real in my soul I feel the love You shared that's why I can't say no again
My thoughts are confused for my sins Your abused
My heart it screams, to open up and let You in

Let You in...

Oh cruel twist of iPodian fate!

Why doth thou tempt me? Verily I see that thin red lin in the battery shaped icon knowing that the end is nigh, yet ye tempteth me with thine most glorious music!

Seriously... the last 5 songs I have said "Okay, after this one I will plug it in to charge...."

moister than ever!

So tonight I went over to Chrystal's, er parent's house (I think thats what it was) to help wqith some computer issues and I got to meet her daughter. That girl is a cutie. She just turned 3 and she went through the same scenario as Timothy with his ears and getting tubes put in, and just like Timothy she is talkative as none other just a few months afterwards.

Apparently she doesn't like guys at all, but she was immediately smiling and talking to me and we just hit it off. She shared ice pops with me and even brought a glass of water with two straws so we could share. Just adorable... It reminded me that someday a daughter would be such a blessing...

I can't believe that I just said that...


Anyways, I enjoyed it a lot, maybe I miss my boys and that added to it, but it was honestly fun being around a child in that age. I think that is one of my favorite ages so far, where they are learning so much and talking and they are so playful!!

I think that is about all I have for this post... just thought I would share a wonderful "child" experience.


Oh yeah, the moist thing... Apparently she thought I was dry and decided to share her moisturizing lotion with me... a lot of it... I think the bottle was empty afterwards... hence, I am moister than ever before! :)

So much hurt.

Had I listened so long ago, so much hurt could be avoided today. It truly is amazing to see prophecy fulfilled.

Never believe that your actions today won't influence the future, thinking like that will end you up in a regrettable place.

I always try to live my life and accept the things I do, I try to never regret because regret doesn't get you anywhere. It is only when you face your mistakes and accept the results of them that you start to be able to move forward and overcome your mistakes.

I think it is called "learning from your mistakes"

Nailed...

I was not planning on getting online again this weekend. In fact I was planning on taking a few days off entirely, even while at work.

This morning Pastor Russ spoke about not becomming consumed with things, and that living for God is all we should be consumed with. This nailed me, straight up. I have let things consume me. Well, one thing in particular, and I let that thing take hold and begin to control me, instead of leaving everything in Gods hands.

Now, I am not the closest to God that I have ever been, this is definitely not me saying that I am so close to God right now, but for the first time in a long while I feel Him pushing on me, I feel him and hear him like I have not in a long time. I think that a long time ago I ignored Him, and that opened a door to continue ignoring Him. This has brought me to this place where I am right now.

Now, despite what some may thing or assume, I don't think I could ever walk away from God. My connection to Him is far far more than just an experience. I have literally watched Christ die for me, specifically for me. Not just some image of Jesus on the cross, but Jesus, savior of the entire world, dieing on a kitchen floor in my place, where I SHOULD have died. Because of this I have always known that God is there and God loves me. Because of this I can never turn my back on Him. I watched two men murder him, gleefully. How could one ever go through that kind of thing and not want to always be with God?

So here I am, sitting at Burger King, writing this. Hoping that my mistakes don't hurt Gods plans for my future. But inside, I know that God is not up there looking down on me as though I am some kind of disappointment. He loves me the same today as he did almost 11 years ago when I was laying on that kitchen floor bleeding to death, and He took my place. I am looking to the future without apprehension for the first time in years.


I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I am excited to see it.