Internal war

I am at the mercy of my emotions.

That is something I have always tried, no, strived to overcome within myself. Not that I wish to be emotionless so much that I have always felt that a sound judgment of a situation should be made on solid fact. Emotion is the antithesis of solid fact. It is open, fluid, and varying. I do not desire to rid myself of emotion, rather I desire to be able to experience emotions without the seemingly chaotic repercussions of being 'emotional'.

Now, I find myself in an internal struggle, a war in which I am fighting against this very belief. I fin myself fighting to be open, fluid and varying, and I don't know how to do it.

How can I be a person who is controlled emotionally, how can I be an emotional person without giving up that control? How am I supposed to answer these emotionally turbulent questions in my heart if I cannot relinquish emotional control? What am I supposed to do?

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I have taken up the practice of writing letters to people whom I wish to say things that I know that I cannot say right now. The last one I wrote was nearly 2000 words. These letters seem to be inundated with emotional outpour in an attempt to make sense of it. I suppose that it is quite therapeutic really. This last one I had been battling with a specific issue and finally realized that I have to stop trying to convince myself of something that I am trying not to allow right now. It helped. I came to the conclusion that I am not a horrible person for the emotions that I have, so long as I handle them appropriately.

Through all of this self realization I have found that I am no closer to what I want to be, or where I want to be than I was before.