blog

I feel like I have lost the war. The cold, dry fingers of defeat have grasped my heart and I am given up. Right now my life is okay. Right now, there is nothing really horrible happening at all. There is no disaster ensuing, there is no dark horizon ahead.

For some reason, however, I feel as though I have lost something that I hold dear. I feel as though I have stepped past the threshold of the doorway that leads to sadness. I am standing in the middle of the road, yet have no path to move forward. I am standing in the rain, yet I am not getting wet.

Now before anyone starts predicting my inevitable destination in that pit of fire, I am not referring to anything quite so dramatic. I am only speaking of one area of my life, unfortunately, this area is one that I had hope for. Hope that it could be easy to heal. I fear, now, that this part of my life is going to be a rather painful process of healing. I fear that I will not be able to move forward in healing without accepting the resolve that I will hurt more deeply looking forward, than I have looking back.

I don't want to hurt anymore, but I know that things have only begun to hurt. I know that as I move forward I am going to feel utterly alone at some point, and I will have to deal with that when it comes. I doubt there is any preparation that I can make for that time either, as I have never dealt with it before. i have no way of knowing what to expect.

i have my friends, mostly. I know that I can lean on them, to a degree. I know that they will do what they can to help, at least in the beginning. But I am starting to feel as though I have to true friend in this world anymore. I am realizing that I keep so much buried deep within myself and have no one to confide in anymore. Having realized that I am not as independent as I had hoped, I am now realizing that I lack the very thing that I need to make it through this part of my life.

I don't have a best friend, at all...

Now, I have some good friends. I would never give any of them up at all. These friends, however, are not incredibly close to me emotionally. I have managed to find friends who I love to hang out with, yet am unable to emotionally be open with. I have lost anyone like that I fear.

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Keith and Ashbee, Rob and Jamie, and I are planning to go see rocky horror picture show tonight. Maybe some mindless stupid fun will take my mind off of serious things long enough to forget.